Today was a better today, yesterday was a crappy day. Yesterday I was angry. I received some information yesterday and my entire day spiraled out of control. Later I found the information was misconstrued and twisted around. But in those moments, some truths that I had tucked away started to come to light. And that incident caused me to lose my peace for the day. (Thank you TG, BE, TC, & J for helping me understand this...) And right now, my daily peace is what I have to keep me going. My daily comfort and hope. And yesterday, because of a simple action, a word, that was all stripped away. And once again I felt everything spiraling out of control. I was at work, and my hands began to shake, my heart started to race, my mind wouldn't focus, I wanted to get out of my skin. I had to leave, to get away, even if just for a moment. (Thank you TC for putting up with me that day, you were a true blessing that I needed at that moment!) I realized some things about other people, and I learned a lot about myself yesterday.
I learned that I can't fix people. I need to surround myself with people who will lift me up, who will share in my faith and love of the Lord. People that will help me move forward, not backwards. The hill is already so slippery and steep that any small gush of wind will make me go tumbling back down. I am learning that I cannot console others and assist in their grief when my grief is so much greater right now, so fresh and raw. In no way do I attempt to discount others in what they feel, but truth be told, unless you yourself have lost a child, there is no comparison. It is what it is. And yet somehow, I have stumbled upon individuals who feel it is necessary to put their grief above ours. I've already lost my daughter, and now they try to take away the healing and the grieving that I have? I have always tried to see the good in people, the silver lining of any given situation, my glass is half full. But I have come to a realization that I can't save people, I can't make others view life the way I do. I can only concentrate on me and my family. I can only control me.
So yesterday, I made another choice. I chose to purge my system of those negative people. The people that will continually rip open the wound. I can't continue to rise above if I keep getting smacked down. I refuse to let someone steal away any precious moments I have. I refuse to let another take away my days of peace and hope. Yesterday was a bad day, but today was better. Tomorrow is a new day, and I pray that I will be filled with the peace and the hope that I need to get through each moment.
Sidenote: I chose not to get specific in nature to the situation in order to protect the privacy of the parties involved.