Each day presents itself with new struggles and new challenges. The same pain endures and the obstacles remain. Some days the struggles seem unbearable, and yet I awake the next day somehow feeling renewed. I'm not sure I'll ever break through the struggles or supersede the challenges, but I know eventually it becomes more bearable; more manageable, something I will just learn to live with. This week has been exceptionally challenging for me. I'm yearning so terribly to expand our family once again. To try and fill a void that was ripped from my fingers. I am not attempting to replace her, how could I? She's a special angel that stole my heart and now she carries a piece of it with her in heaven. But now here I am, and she is not. And now I am faced with, what I feel, is an identity crisis.
Before Savanna, J and I were a get up and go kinda people. We wanted to go the B's, we went. Wanted to go shopping, we went. Wanted to drive around with no particular destination in mind, we went. Than after Savanna it became a new kind of get up and go. We became a get up, get the diaper bag, check the diaper bag, get the baby, load the stroller, get extra clothes, pack the bottles, and go kind of people. Than Savanna left, and now I don't know what kind of people I am anymore. I don't know how to NOT be a mom anymore, it feels empty. I'm walking through an endless row of curtains, no ending in sight. Many people have told us, now we can be a little more selfish, now we can travel, spend time together, finish school etc. Although all of those things sound appetizing and appealing, it's not what I want. I've had my time to be selfish and carefree, to live by the seat of my pants. That chapter has passed. And traveling sounds very attractive, but children were always a part of those thoughts and visions of family vacations. J and I have never been closer, and through time I know that will continue to grow. School will always be there, and I intend to finish it. But that yearning, that hunger to be a mom still remains.
It's a feeling, an emotion, a physical force that has grabbed a hold of every fiber of my being since the moment I found out I was pregnant with Savanna. And now all of those things have simply been amplified. It's so hard to put into words that feeling, it's something only another mother could grasp I think. (In no way do I discount the yearning a father feels, but I can never relate to that feeling, I can only relate to my own.) I crave the feeling of being a mom again. It is not at the expense of trying to erase Savanna from my mind, or replace her. She will always be who she is, but I cannot deny the hole that has been left, the void that has been sucked dry. The feeling is so great that it overtakes my mind on a daily basis.
I have attempted to shut it out, lock it away and save it for later. It seems the harder I try, the more forceful the feelings become. It's a constant battle of justifying why it wouldn't be ok, why it wouldn't be right. Sometimes I wish they had a program I could just download to my central nervous system. A program for grieving. Isn't it easier when we have the answers and know the time frame? I feel that I am ready...
Some have said it's too soon, others say to go for it. My heart says I'm ready. But I can't do it alone, and I cannot disrespect J's position in the matter. (I kinda need him to participate...) But in all truth and seriousness, I know time will give us the answers. And the Lord will guide us to where we need to be. If He knows we are ready, it will happen. I just wish I could subside this constant nagging at the pull strings of my heart. It's like there's a little person in my heart pulling and tugging at the pulleys connecting my heart to my feelings to my mind.
It's a battle. And I'm tired of battling. I just want to be a mom again, feel whole again. I know a little piece of me will always be forever placed into the Heavens but I want to feel like I'm me again. It seems silly to think that a little bundle can change all of that. But I remember how drastically Savanna changed my life for the good, and after all the heartache, all the pain, all the brokeness, I can only imagine what another little being could do for me.