January 10, 2011

A New Day--Another Moment--A Legacy

Everyday is a new day. Everyday I awake I say a prayer. I ask the Lord to grant me the peace to get through the day, the courage to keep going, and the hope that it will get better. And everyday I am faced with challenge after challenge. And today when I awoke, I felt that this day was going to be a good one. I got to work, started my routine, got in a flow. Went to lunch and than came back. And than a minute passed and a new minute came and my hope and peace that I had felt had dissipated from my being. I suddenly started to feel sad. I could feel the tickle on the tip of my nose and the tears began to well up behind my eyes. I dug harder into work trying to keep my mind busy. Yet something always brought me back to thoughts of Savanna.

With the 12th looming eerily around the corner, I feel myself succombing to the dark shadows that are stalking near by. It's almost been 2 months and I'm not even sure how I've reached this point. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was going through the motions. Pretending to be happy on the outside only to feel torn on the inside. There was this long period of numbness, of denial, shock and disbelief. That time of numbness seemed so much better than now. I went from feeling empty and nothing to feeling everything. The slightest comment, a look, a smell, a sound will open the gates to an enormous amount of feelings. A labyrinth of feelings that I can't find the end to. So I try to remain calm, take deep breaths, but the thoughts of Savanna stab at my mind and the emotions continue to bleed from every fiber and muscle of my being.

It's been almost 2 months since she went home. And it still feels like it was just yesterday that she was born, that she smiled, that she rolled over, that she died. That day is on a continuous repeat and I can't find the stop button. I miss her so terribly. My body is tired, my mental capacity is stretched to its limit. And I'm just trying to get through the moments. The hope that the next day will be a better one seems so out of reach.

I am so grateful for the love and the prayers that have continuously poured from those close to us and those far. But there's a part of me that doesn't want it, because it becomes a mere reality that I am here and my daughter is not. I am in a constant battle and am so exhausted from fighting this uphill battle. I dream of the day that I will no longer have to fight the darkness, but there's a part of me that wants to fight the, because the day that I awake and the shadows no longer linger so heavily becomes the days that it will become real. The reality that she is gone from this earth.

But everyday is a new day, and tomorrow will have new moments. And again I will pray that the light will enter into my day and stay constant with me through each moment. That is how my life has transformed; I live through each moment. I hold onto each of them for dear life for the fear of missing something important.

I want to thank all of you who have been following me along on this journey. Thank you for all of the words of encouragement, prayer, thoughts, and mountains of love. We couldn't have made it to this point without it. I just ask that you continue because that is what carries us through and gets us through the moments. There are days when i resent the stories that are shared with me of how our situation has caused so many of you to take a step back and love a little harder. But in the end, after I fight Satan and his meaningless thoughts he's tried to shove down my throat I realize something. I think of all the relationships that have been rekindled, the patience others have obtained, the greater love that has developed all because of my little girl. It's not our situation that has caused so many of you to pay attention to the little things, and love more freely, it is Savanna's legacy that has this wonderous affect. It is her tiny footprints that have embedded themselves onto hearts everywhere; and for that I am so proud, and I feel like I can hold my head a little higher.

6 blessings, thoughts. &. feelings:

Tena said...

Tab it's so hard to not have some brillant word of wisdom to give to you. Having the movie running in your head is the worst. Believe me it does eventually stop. I think what you fear is that if the pain...or movie stops then you will forget. I had those fears. I thought the pain would keep me remembering. Some part of me thought I had to hold a torch or they would be forgotten. Let me tell you that Savannah will NEVER be forgotten. Letting go of the pain will heal you and allow the movie to stop, but it will never ever make you forget. I am so sorry to tell you that nothing takes the place of time. I really wish it was different. Healing is a process, part of the journey. At the end of the day, just as I've told you a million times, we have to know that God Knows. You are so much stronger than you think. You are going to come through this even stronger in every way. There are lots of prayers going up for you every day. You amaze me every day. Just remember one moment at a time. Pray, breathe, just keep moving one foot in front of the other and if you need a hug sneak back to my cave.

Alex said...

you are one of my biggest role models, (even since dance). I remember thinking "holy crap, this chick is awesome", when you became my coach. always geeking out about harry potter and so you think you can dance. such a strong head on your shoulders, sometimes trying to pull moves you couldn't. so when i heard about Savanna my heart crumbled for you, but I knew you were going to be okay soon enough.. I never took Zaden's so well and following you through everything has really helped me step back and look at my decisions and my perspectives on things. My son passed a little over a year ago, and you have grown so much in a few months than it took me almost a year to do. I'm so proud of you to keep your head so high. Something that always kept me going was my mother telling me " God knew that no one else could have pulled through this intact, like you could". and I know that this is definitely you too. Savanna's mother is definitely a warrior. "That's what you should be for haloween next year ;]".
it is hard, I know, and those dips and dives of emotions blow... but it's always a reminder of a love no one will ever know, and a firm hand of faith that keeps those tears wiped clean.
I love you so much tabby. thank you for helping me too.

jackie wright said...

nothing to say (except) I LOVE YOU and you will be ok just keep doing what you do best

Mary Jane said...

Yes it is constant emotions from joy to sadness when you remember your little girl. It never really goes away, just a little easier with each day. Even now, I will just have one little thought of my Megan and then I'm a puddle of tears as if it were yesterday. Just your words of the 12th also brings back my 12th day of June, 1998 when my baby had to go with Jesus. Be strong Tabatha, everyday will bring some more strength to move forward. You are always in my thoughts and I know God will bring you peace and joy.

Jessica Michaelsen said...

You are so right... Savannah has rekindled many relationships and gave parents a little more patients, and so much more love. That was beautiful how you wrote that. The whole paragraph was awesome and touched me dearly. I'm glad you see it that way. Tabatha you are so strong for survivng this and seeing the light in this situation. You are so much admired and your peace will come. Things happen for a reason and God knows you can handle this, even when you think you can't.

Anonymous said...

Hey Sis I am so proud of you and so admired by your strength and your compassion! No one can imagine what is going on in your life and you being able to speak about it everyday and let us know what is keeping you going makes me feel enlighted, brings me joy and hapiness to know that you do smile and that there will be a day that no there will be no more tears from you from morn and sorrow; But that tears of gratitude are among you and your family! Savanna is watching your every breath, seeing your every move, feeling your every tear! She does not want you to dwell on this! Her beautiful smile and most stunning bright blue eyes her cutest laugh, and her life that was full of love that we once knew will never be forgotten but has been placed in each of our hearts! I love you Tab I miss you dearly!