Everyday is a new day. Everyday I awake I say a prayer. I ask the Lord to grant me the peace to get through the day, the courage to keep going, and the hope that it will get better. And everyday I am faced with challenge after challenge. And today when I awoke, I felt that this day was going to be a good one. I got to work, started my routine, got in a flow. Went to lunch and than came back. And than a minute passed and a new minute came and my hope and peace that I had felt had dissipated from my being. I suddenly started to feel sad. I could feel the tickle on the tip of my nose and the tears began to well up behind my eyes. I dug harder into work trying to keep my mind busy. Yet something always brought me back to thoughts of Savanna.
With the 12th looming eerily around the corner, I feel myself succombing to the dark shadows that are stalking near by. It's almost been 2 months and I'm not even sure how I've reached this point. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was going through the motions. Pretending to be happy on the outside only to feel torn on the inside. There was this long period of numbness, of denial, shock and disbelief. That time of numbness seemed so much better than now. I went from feeling empty and nothing to feeling everything. The slightest comment, a look, a smell, a sound will open the gates to an enormous amount of feelings. A labyrinth of feelings that I can't find the end to. So I try to remain calm, take deep breaths, but the thoughts of Savanna stab at my mind and the emotions continue to bleed from every fiber and muscle of my being.
It's been almost 2 months since she went home. And it still feels like it was just yesterday that she was born, that she smiled, that she rolled over, that she died. That day is on a continuous repeat and I can't find the stop button. I miss her so terribly. My body is tired, my mental capacity is stretched to its limit. And I'm just trying to get through the moments. The hope that the next day will be a better one seems so out of reach.
But everyday is a new day, and tomorrow will have new moments. And again I will pray that the light will enter into my day and stay constant with me through each moment. That is how my life has transformed; I live through each moment. I hold onto each of them for dear life for the fear of missing something important.
I want to thank all of you who have been following me along on this journey. Thank you for all of the words of encouragement, prayer, thoughts, and mountains of love. We couldn't have made it to this point without it. I just ask that you continue because that is what carries us through and gets us through the moments. There are days when i resent the stories that are shared with me of how our situation has caused so many of you to take a step back and love a little harder. But in the end, after I fight Satan and his meaningless thoughts he's tried to shove down my throat I realize something. I think of all the relationships that have been rekindled, the patience others have obtained, the greater love that has developed all because of my little girl. It's not our situation that has caused so many of you to pay attention to the little things, and love more freely, it is Savanna's legacy that has this wonderous affect. It is her tiny footprints that have embedded themselves onto hearts everywhere; and for that I am so proud, and I feel like I can hold my head a little higher.