A Letter to my Sacred Space

Well hey there.. my sacred little space.. it's been awhile. almost 4 months actually. i feel like we're strangers. do you? i remember coming to you everyday over 2 years ago. i craved your blank canvas to spill my every thought onto. my days and weeks didn't feel complete unless i imprinted my every last thought onto the blinding white screen. pressing the 'publish' button became so incredibly cathartic and therapeutic. i found a new love with you you know. a love to write that i never ever knew even existed. and actually up until that december day when i typed my first words across the screen.. i actually hated writing. i always only associated writing with essays and short answers to questions from teachers. and than i wrote my first post and then my second and then my third.. and then before i knew it the words, the feelings, the thoughts, my every move and tiptoe became real and alive. as the words danced across the screen emitting from the little blinking cursor i found myself healing form the loss of Savanna ever so slowly. a healing grew out of this very very sacred space with you... a healing i never knew i would ever come to. a healing that didn't ever seem possible.

my days have been incredibly tough as of late. i've been in a rut of sorts and am having a hard time finding my way to the top for air. 2 years ago i would have wrote to you about it. shared it with you. but for some reason... i've engulfed the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions within myself. i've gone back to my old ways of burying the files deep within the rusty cabinets of my past. i'm not really sure why. i know you have always been here. have been patiently waiting my return. perhaps i've been frightened to truly admit that i'm not ok.

i'm not ok.

and i haven't been.

my heart's hurting. literally. not metaphorically. it hurts. why is it i run? it's frustrating you know.. that this constant heartache stabbing has never gone away. in nearly 2.5 years since my sweet little baby girls life whispered off into the heavens.. i'm still not used to it. in fact.. i think it's gotten harder. or perhaps i haven't dealt with it the way i thought? no i think it's harder. growing up and moving forward without her is harder. watching the seasons pass and never know what she'll look or sound like is getting harder. milestones.. birthdays.. holidays.. all are getting harder. it's as if im on a grief loop re-run. i can't escape the oval track no matter how hard i try to run off course i'm always dragged back to the same path. the grief just continues to chase me down.. sometimes i'm ahead.. sometimes i'm behind.

hmmm...

i'm not sure what to do. you always know what to do little space. i never know where the words will take me but as i start to pitter away at the keys of my laptop the words always just pour so easily from my fingertips. it's as if you know what i need before i ever do. my subconsious connects before my presently knowing conciousness does.

i miss you sacred space.

but i can't seem to find the courage to come back to you indefintely.

i've fought with myself, felt guilty. trying to find the time to tell you all the things i need to tell you. i'm ready though.. to open back up to you.. i think.

it's time. i can't stay hidden anymore. i promise not to let so much time lapse.. things too easily get bottled up when i run from the screen instead of to it.

i hope you understand sacred space, that i'm not running from you.. it's the truths you seem to cause me to admit to that seem to have caused me to stay away.

i'm ready for change. i'm ready to hurt less... again. i was at a good place at one point.. and now i'm in a dungeon of pure poo!

i know you can't fix me.. i'm not fixable.. but you can certainly lend a mending space.

thank you sacred space for never judging and always being there to receive my most vulnerable moments with open arms.

i'll write you more. i need to. i promise.

Your writer,
Tabatha

Pround Moment

As lots of you know, i started doing photography on the side about a year ago. i had no idea what it would turn into. it has blossomed into something beautiful and inspiring and has allowed me a sense of escape and closeness to Savanna.

And now, it is starting to reach new heights. clientele is beginning to pick up and i'll be photographing not 1 but 2 weddings in March!! I am so incredibly excited and can't wait to to see how far this journey takes me!

as my business has begun to grow i felt i needed something to expand on  my business. i guess really a way that people would take me seriously. to some i may seem like a girl who got a really nice camera for christmas from her her really awesome husband and just started taking pictures. well.. that is how it started i guess. but after that first newborn session i did as a favor to J's cousin.. something happened within me.

something emerged and sprouted from the base of my being. i felt like i was closest to me as i had been in a long time. i was experiencing and traveling that creative highway i have always been so hungry for. and at the same time i was creating special moments and memories for family's of their loved ones to cherish for always.

and so, while i started out as that girl who just picked up the camera.. i've grown. or at least started to. i started doing tons of research. i've sought out online workshops, read books, participated in online forums and groups. i started to expand my knowledge.

i knew this was something that i wanted to continue doing for always. and so i began to invest time and money into this escapade.. this journey of hope and happiness.

with that, i needed people to start taking me seriously. i still do. it's been a little challenging making the transition from part time picture taker to photogorapher and business owner.

i'm still learning. continuously learning. i crave the need to get better, to be better.

so i've slowly started to take steps. i'm turning my craft room catch all hole into my office. (slowly but surely) i'm getting organized and getting a file system put into place.

it finally donned on me that i had to take my business seriously as a business and than others would start to do the same. it's an onging work in progress but i am so excited and thrilled that i tripped over this opportunity that was thrown in my path.

another step i took was i invested into my very own website! it was a defining moment for myself. some may think it's silly or trivial. but to me it made the moment concrete. getting that website made the legacy i'm trying to leave in honor of Savanna real.

http://www.becauseofherphotography.com

take a peek into my world of photography and freeze framing moments :)

Coolest moment of the day

Was when my instructor tucked her hair behind her ear to reveal the cutest blingy ladybug earrings...

Sweet girl was most definitely with me today. She knew how nervous I was on my first hospital clinical day of the semester.

Thanks baby girl.. For the little nudge of encouragement.

I needed that.

I really did.

A Week in Review

I've survived the week. at least i think i did. it was the first week back to school, first week trying to find a new routine... it was a total epic fail but it definitely drained the life and energy right out from under me.

I managed to keep the house somewhat clean.. we've I've started to use a 'family planner/organizer' type of thing to help me keep track of all the millions of things that need to be tended to around the house. it's a work in progress but it seems to be working. i got the idea from (you guessed it) pinterest. Gah, i don't know where my life was before pinterest.

Quite frequently i think how handy it would have been with little S still running around. her third birthday is coming and i catch myself looking at all of the different party ideas. such fun that would be. to plan a birthday party.

hopefully soon, i'll get to do that. hopefully soon...

but moving forward..

looking back on this week i don't have much to really say. school is defnintely going to be a doozy for sure. i can understand now why they only make you take 1 class this semester.. it ='s the 6 i took last semester! but.. i know there will be new experiences and great things to see and learn. i'm excited. i'm a semester closer to achieving some form of success in my life.

i have finally taken pictures of the furniture we are trying to sell in the guest room. that money will be used to purchase the paint and the beadboard/wainscoating for savanna's room. after making the step of just deciding to break down her room was a major step for both of us. now actually getting the gumption to go through with it seems a whole other task on its own.

thanks to a great MIL, she had a FABULOUS idea that she so willingily shared with us on her last escapade to our lovely abode. Rather then breaking down the crib and allowing it to take up attic space, or using the dresser and changing table as a 'space saver' in the garage, why not re-use it? but not for future baby b. (which was the original plan, but the more i thought about it the more i knew i didn't want to do that) the crib is one of those 5-in-1 type of deals. since we have a guest room that we use well never (unless family is visiting) we're going to convert her crib into the full size and move it into that room as well as the dresser. and the changing table i will convert into a nightstand.

i was overjoyed and ecstatic at the mere idea that i wouldn't have to allow Savanna's furniture to gather dust and mites up in the attic. her memory and things could continue to be preserved and in a very pragmatic sort of way. i'll take pictures and of course will take you all along for the ride. i now just need an ingenius plan for all of her clothing. i thought about making a blanket with all the very special items (we already have a quilt that we had framed) BUT how do chose 'special' items... they're ALL special.. so i'll just tackle that another day.

for now, i'm just thrilled to have a way to keep her furniture intact and working condition yet at the same time i'm able to lick the salted wounds of breaking down her room. maybe it will somehow be easier? maybe not. won't know until i tackle it head first.

well, that's all i got for now. here's some photots i've taken throughout the week... enjoy :)

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We've started the Paleo diet (going on 4 weeks strong!) Here's a peek at some yumminess we've devoured! :)

And here's just a few looks at what I did this week... the top pic is of some brownies we made (from pinterest) I'll post the recipe and what i did differently if you'd like :)

Our Thereafter...

after a great deal of thought. a lot of praying. a lot of questioning. reading your comments/opinions. i have decided. i have decided to evolve this space.

on december 14, 2010 i wrote this post. it was the first of many. the start of a journey. the beginning to a treacherous and bumpy, windy and jagged road. the origin of where all things became solidified that my life, our lives, were forever changed. on december 14, 2010 i began to tell the world about my loss, my heart break, my plethora of emotions, the darkness... i proceeded to bare open my heart and soul to the world wide web. i allowed my most weakest and vulnerable of times to be displayed for friends, family, and strangers to take hold of.

and now... over 2 years from this very first post, i make this one.

i've often talked about the ever-changing, the continuously revolving doors of grief. the journey that we travel as baby loss parents is one that is unknown. it is contradictory to what the human life should ever have to experience. it is the ultimate taboo to the human life. i've talked about how much i have changed. how my naiveness has been stripped. how my very being was torn to jagged pieces left in the road to become a prey of nature.

and now as i look over these last two years i've spent on this space. as i peer at the many posts, the months of posts, the weeks of words. i realize that not only have i changed, not only has my grief shifted, but so has this space. it took many of you and your kind comments and words of encouragement that allowed me to realize this.

i think a part of me has been afraid to evolve this space into something else, something more. i felt guilt. guilt that by encouraging a change i would be forgetting where my story truly started. my daughter's life and death do not entirely define me, but they are an intricate and precise piece to who i have become.

each step and breath that is made, each calculated move, each thought clouding my mind, is always tangled up into Savanna. into her life and her death.

as many of you made such valid points, both on chaning the blog and getting a new blog.. i realized that it would be ok to re-align this space. i'm not leaving Savanna behind, our memories of her, our road of grief, or the hard work i've accomplished at this point. rather, i'm taking her along for the ride.

i have evolved. i have changed. i am different. and so is this space.

i hope you'll join me on this ride as it ventures down into unchartered territories. Savanna has so much dictation over our lives I just know there can only be great things ahead.

While Savanna's Wings will always be held near to my heart and I will never forget what that space provided me, it is time to change the face of the space as it is now what need. Savanna's wings will be put to rest, and 'Our Thereafter' will be born.

Savanna will forever and always be entangled into my everyday life. she is and always will be a permaneant part of my very inner being.

so join me on this journey as i share another side of our lives. come along as i continue to grow and grieve, and nurture this space as i just know it is continuously blossoming into something beautiful....

My sweet girl,

I am almost in tears right now. I'm writing you this letter to tell you of all the ways I love you. To tell you that there are many changes happening in the near and far future. As I change this space into something more, just know you will forever and always be a part of it. You are forever the star of the show :) I am still in constant awe that your daddy and I were blessed and chosen to be your parents. thank you for choosing us. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect match. You were made for us as we were made for you.

Just know that with the many changes continuously happening, it all still because of your very existence that we do things in this life. It is for your very memory that we will continue to live each day knowing that we will see you once again.


I didn't really have an agenda when I started writing you, I just knew I had to. Something tugged at my heart and I felt the need to make sure to write you.

I guess, I just want you to know I love you. That although changes may happen, you're never forgotten. That while your daddy and I may be packing your things up and breaking down your room, your sweet and innocent presence will forever remain in that room. That parts of you are in both of us forever. I want you to know you are my reason, you are my because. I love you Bo. More and more everyday.

sending you all my love and big hugs to heaven. momma.

I'm still alive!

Or at least staying afloat! the holidays have just surpassed it was quite the whirlwind of adventures. So many things have happened since the last time i wrote (October!) I don't think there's enough internet space to catch everyone up.

I guess I could start by telling you about our holidays. There isn't much to tell really. It was another time of year we went with and without. Moving into the third year without Savanna has clearly already proven to me that it never gets easier. Just those all very hard days don't situate themselves all in a row. Rather, they sporadically separate themselves out for you trip upon them like an IED in a desert.

I did manage to reach a breaking point in my grief, at least I think so. The many days of and weeks of therapy seemed to have possibly paid off. For awhile I just felt like going to see Dr. D had turn into a complain and whoa is me session. I had reached that stage of anger. A stage of grief I thought I had climbed over and conquered. But as much as people say you can always go back, you don't ever think you will. Before, when the anger had succomb me, it was just a general angst I would feel. It took the littlest things to cause me to tear out on a rampage, normally J was always the casuality.

But this recent outward aggression and rage was much deeper. For the first time since Savanna had died, I was angry with God. And honestly I'm sure I had been for quite some time. I never wanted to admit it though. So many people had continuously told me how strong I was, and how well I was doing.. it seemed to ultimately hurt me. I felt like I had an expectation to meet. This 'strong' baby loss momma persona's shoes I had to fill. The expectation set by myself and myself only of course. And so I lied. I said all the things I knew sounded healthy and positive. I claimed to have gotten through my days on the strength of the Lord. Stated that all this hope and faith I had in all things. While the whole meanwhile, on the inside, I was curling up into myself. My skin constantly felt wrong. I never felt like I didn't fit right where I was. And in one instant, it snapped. I snapped.

I no longer understood nor cared for His reasons. I resented people who became pregnant or were pregnant. I resented children who were still alive. I hated God. I hated that he took Savanna. And I was enraged at Savanna. Enraged that she would chose to be with God over me. I admitted out loud I resented those that said, you're so strong-she's in a better place - or my favorite yet 'you'll always be a mom.' My instant reaction to that one... SCREW YOU! it's easy for you to say that, you get to go home tonight and tuck your sweet babe into bed tonight. You get to read them a story and get them ready for school.. but me? i have the 'honor' of going to a cemetery. a cold dreary depressing cemetery and drive up a road and around a corner to see my girl. except it's not my girl that sits there atop a field of grass and dirt and rock and weeds. it's a stone. a marble stone with a picture and dates and a name. that's what i get to do.

my anger had seemed to rock me to my core. it took all of my energy, all of my faith, all of my hope. it was stripped from every muscle and fiber of my very being. i was cold and naked in the pouring rain. (metaphorically of course) it took a couple sessions and a very significant church attendance (which is whole other post in its own) that i finally began to steer away from the anger. rather than burying the anger in its own plot in the cemetery of my mind i was able to set it free. sure, i still feel the anger boiling it's darkness to the surface. but in most cases, i can deal with and move on.

my hope and faith have been instilled. still shaky at times, still questionable. but really and truly that anger is something i needed to feel. it is something i needed to say out loud. ever since that week of misery pure anger, i have truly begun to feel as if i have started to heal.

in the weeks following i knew i was ready to finally break down the crib in Savanna's room. in the weeks following i knew it was time to make the room into the future baby B's nursery not just Savanna's room. pieces of her will always remain in that room, but it's time to move forward. and i am ok with that now.

the 'renovation' has not started but once it does i promise to take you on that journey. it is such a large part of this journey. and i know so many of you can relate.

notation: due to several sweet friends reaching out to me I thought it wise to just say that I am ok :) the anger that i'm speaking of in the above few paragraphs transpired months ago. I wanted to give y'all an update and this is where my typing fingers led me. sorry if i've scared any of y'all but i'm ok :) 

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in other news.. i am thinking of starting another blog.. a more bloggy blog. i've thought about possibly changing the face of this blog, keeping it about our grief of course but about so much more. there are so many parts of our lives that have come out of this journey of grief. so many becomings and accomplishments, tasks, and to-do's that have honestly transpired from our grief. although it's not always apparent how Savanna and our grief correlates, i know our everyday life is forever entangled.

i'm not sure how i feel about changing the face of this blog though. so i need your help. your opinions. i write for me and to pereserve the memories i have. but also to help others. if i choose to go a more 'our everyday life' type of blog.. would you like to see a new one unfold? or re-route the path of this one? your opinion and thoughts mean a great deal to me. :)

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while you ponder this decision here are a few pics from the last few months.

I won the halloween costume contest at work

 A date night!

Happy Halloween!

Some wreaths I made!

J & Dad

Our tree

Savanna's tree

Our Savanna ornament

White Christmas!!!!

Good job J!

A word about Acceptance

the leaves begin to turn. the wind blows colder. the temperature begins to drop. drifting smells of fires lit in the fireplace. waves of pumpkin spice and talks of smoked turkey. black friday ads begin to fill my inbox. holiday yule tides and santa lists begin to appear. talks of christmas parties start to spread throughout. thanksgiving day arrangements and menu plans have started to become parts of conversation. ghosts, and ghouls, zombies and pumpkins. candies and treats and costumes! it's my favorite time of year. it always has been. a time to rejoice in all blessings that have been bestowed upon you. a time to hug your friends and tell them how thankful you are. a time to encompass the family that you are so proudly a part of. all things i'm happy to say are my favorites.

but.

at the same time.

it is my most hated time of year.

this time of year also brings back a plague of a moment in our lives when that happiness, those blessings, that thankfulness was stripped from our very being. the one spark that represented all those things left this earth.

as i walk outside i am greeted by the fall air. as i breathe in deeply and feel the wind caress my face, i am reminded of a time. a dark time. a day almost 2 years ago that i never thought i would breathe again. a time when my favorite time of year became the most dreadful.

i am haunted by this time of year, i will admit. it didn't really don on me last year. but this year, it seems to be heading full force like a bull stampeding towards the red cape. i am the red cape. i have no control, i'm endlessly flapping around awaiting my destiny. in less then a month it will be a complete 2 years without our Savanna. in less then a month it will be an entire 730 days without feeling the steady rise and fall of her chest with every inhale and exhale.

it's unimaginable.

it always happens like this ya know?

i reach a point where i think maybe, just maybe i'm learning to accept it. accept that she's gone. accept that she's never coming back. and yet here i am, almost 2 years later and i still hope that when i open my eyes the next morning it will have all been a terrible terrible nightmare. and yet each morning as i rise from my pillow and my feet touch the ground i am bolted back to the reality that she's gone.

seems silly doesn't it?

in all the literature you read there are steps. i am actually studying the grieving process in school right now. there's steps, you reach one then the other sometimes you go back, sometimes you stay stuck, but the ultimate goal is acceptance right? well what if there never is acceptance.

i seem to always brink on the edges of acceptance but never fully engulfing it as my own. i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will.

i'm beginning to wonder if i ever want to.

to accept her death is to accept her only as a memory. i don't want that. i want to keep her alive. as alive as i can. it may only be in my mind. it may piggyback to my heart. but i never want to accept that this is what my life has succombed itself to be.

today i lit 2 candles in honor of Savanna and all others who have lost a precious child. as is it here typing the candlelight is dancing across the white background of the built-in book case. the shadows of the light are casting across my Savanna's face. my heart is hurting. quite literally. not metaphorically. it literally hurts. there is pain. and although i hate the pain. i hate the sharpness. i hate the feeling of tears welling up beneath my eyelids.

i can't bear to let it go either.

to have pain and to feel this hurt, also means that i feel love. i love her so much it hurts. i miss her so much it burns. if i accept that this is our path. if i accept that this our life. if i accept that she is dead.

i have nothing left.

peace? calm? comfort?

no.

without Savanna, without her sweet little body clinging to my leg. without her smile or tired little eyes gazing up at me early in the morn. without her fingers wrapped around mine. without her beating heart next to mine, i will never feel a full a complete peace. my world will never be calm.

i love the fall. i really do. i love what it represents. the changing of the season. the time to pull out the cute winter pea coats. a time for boots! but as i read the words that i typed across this screen... i realize something.. these things that bring me 'joy'

are all so materialistic.

my husband brings me peace, calm and comfort. he is an amazing man and i could not have been more blessed. he is an amazing father. i only hope he knows that while i feel incredibly broken at most times anymore, he somehow makes me feel whole. missing pieces and all.

so, i guess, for now. i will accept that this is my life now. i will accept that this is the journey we must falter. this is the me that has arose from the ashes of losing my daughter.

i love the fall.

i hate the fall.

all at the same time.

Evolved

I think I've said this several times before.. grief -- it evolves. it changes. you change.

there's a constant learning curve and findings. always new realizations. sometimes there's backtracking and still waters.. but each day it brings something new. that something new is not always welcome, but sometimes it is.

in my journey of loss and grief i have become this new person. this new being. i have learned so many great and not so great things about myself. my eyes have been opened, my heart has grown, and my ears have listened and heard more in these last 21 months then i think in my entire life.

why do i bring this up?

this place.. this space has always and solely been for Savanna. it's been my keepsake, my personal diary into this world of loss. my dealings and journeys through muddy waters and high tides. but now, my grief has shaped way into something more.

that's not to say that i don't still think of her. grieve her. miss her. yearn for her. but i have found that it comes to me without great effort. does that make sense? in the beginning, all i thought about was her. all i breathed and talked about was her. i would feel extreme guilt and emptiness when there were moments of realization that i didn't have thoughts of her.

but as days grew on, and time surpassed us, i realized it was a naturally occurring circumstance. i will admit she is not always the first thing i think about when i wake up, although she is always the last thing i think about.

i no longer force myself to remember her. i know her life, her very being is and always will be locked away into the pieces of my mind and heart. i will always carry her with me.

i think that's why maybe i don't write quite as frequently. what can i say that i haven't already said? what life-defining moment can i scrutinize and pick apart this time that i haven't already?

i've had to make choices that no parent, no mother should ever have to make. i've had to witness scenes that should never become a parents reality. i've had to watch the lasting whispers of life escape my sweet girls body. i've had to say goodbye.

at the end of the day, the piece that always has remained is that i miss her. and i love her. so completely and selflessly.

i still find my mind wandering into the distance of a dream--of a life still filled with her smiles and laughter.

this last week we went to visit some friends and their middle daughter asked me how old Savanna would be. I had to really think about it.. i knew she would be over 2 years old obviously.. but i didn't know what exactly the 'months' she would have been... 28 months though.. a 28 month old walks and says words. eats real people food and understands your words. and it just made me sad in that moment. imagining her running around with our dear friends girls.. what a troop they would be!

but i also realized in that same moment that it was OK that i didn't know the 'exact' month. for as long as i can remember i have consistently set an expectation on myself.. and in my grief it was no different. i expected myself to just pick up and move on.. and something happens that will always knock me back into reality.

i guess what i'm getting at is that while i have found this great joy in writing, it's purpose has changed. i have changed. this space is changing. so many choices i make anymore has it's roots set into my grief or into her memory. anything i do in any given day is somehow always linked back to her. what is it they call that? 6 degrees of separation? she is always with me in some way shape or form..

i don't know if i'm saying i am going to continue writing in this space or not. i want to. i really do. but half the time i stare at the screen and don't know what to type without seeming repetitive.

is this part of my ever evolving grief also? my chosen ways to cope and deal are evolving? perhaps.

so just bare with me as i try to figure it out. as i attempt to figure out how these pieces fit together.

i've never been good with change.. it makes me uncomfortable.. but i know it's all for good reason. there's always a light, always a silver lining.. even in the darkest moments. and i am a witness to that.

good things do happen to good people.. sometimes

After losing Savanna, I have learned a tremendous amount of life lessons.

I've learned that I can do hard things.
I have learned to let things go.
i have learned that with hard work and faith you can do anything you set your mind to.
i have learned that it is not time that heals all wounds, it is what you do in that time to heal.
i have learned when to ask for help.
asking for help is not a sign of weakness, not asking for help when it is needed is.
i have learned to be slower to judge and eager to listen.
listen to all the words and the unspoken words.
i have learned to love with everything and more.
i have learned to take a picture and capture a snapshot of a memory.
i have learned a hidden love of writing i never knew existed.
i have found that communication is a key to any successful marriage.
i have learned to let myself cry.
i have learned it is ok to cry.
it is ok to be angry.
it is ok to feel guilty

i have learned that grief evolves. never goes away. but is always changing.

mostly i have learned, that good things can happen to good people.

i still sometimes feel as if i am being punished, that i must have done something terrible and awful to have lived through the death of my daughter. but i have realized that in that there was something positive to be pulled from that daunting tragedy. maybe that statement seems weird to you. but in her death, everything that surrounds it is completely and utterly negative. it is dark and dreary. to not find anything of positivity of light in it is to say her life meant nothing. at least that's what i have come to believe. i was always a glass half full kinda girl until the day Savanna took her last breath.

my whole outlook on life completely changed and turned around. i became overwhelmingly negative. hateful at times. and then one day.. it all clicked. and that's when i began to learn from it. it being her death. i began to try to find my inner strength. and at that point i started to feel like i could breathe again.

i'm not really sure where i'm going with this post. that seems to be my common denominator as of late. my posts i guess reflect my life right now as it stands. a little crazy and a little all over the place.

i guess i just wanted to document that while everyday is always a struggle, i have made progress. my ground no longer quakes, but i am found crossing over the occasional quiver.

i no longer stare at the dates waiting for the 12th or the 28th to approach. most months they pass without a thought. funny though as i type this and peer over at my phone.. today is the 12th.

1 year and 8 months since she's been gone
20 months
80 weeks
560 days

it's still hard to believe

i still continue to have days of surrealness. i have days of sadness and weakness. days of dark and shadows. but i seem to have more days of happiness. more days of smiles. more days of lightness.

yes, i am different person. perhaps our relationship has suffered the consequence of this change. perhaps our relationship has bloomed because of this transformation. but grief does that to you. it completely and utterly molds you into an entirely different being. it takes what was once there and rips it apart leaving a illion broken pieces. eventually you start to get glued back together, but pieces are missing and shards are misplaced. i am different now.

 so with all of this. all of the realizations i have had within myself i have also realized it is ok to continue living. it doesn't mean i've forgotten and it certainly doesn't mean i've moved on. it just means that i have chosen to live a life again. the life of a mommy with an angel in her heart. with memories to recall upon and pictures to remember her by.

with that being said, i am overjoyed and ecstatic to announce that i have been accepted into the RN program at my school. it has been a 6 years in the making. another milestone that i never thought i would reach. and while i know have a strenuous and tough 2 years ahead of me, i am realizing more about myself each day. my confidence has slowly begun to sprout.

i have to believe that at least some of my strength, my confidence, my need to succeed (sorry for the cliche) dwells from the death of Savanna.. from SURVIVING the death of Savanna. In the beginning I didn't think I would ever get past that first awful night without her heart beating in this world. And yet here I am sitting here, writing, telling the world of an accomplishment. I only wish in 2 years when I walk that stage and receive my diploma I would be grazing my eyes across the audience to see my 4 year old girl bouncing on her daddy's lap.

i feel accomplished
i feel sad
life is going in a great direction
i just wish i could say it was complete.

Honesty Out Loud

I finally said it out loud today.

I finally told J something I had been pondering.

Something I had only really spoken about with Dr. D

At this stage in my grief.

I don't really care to visit Savanna's spot.

seems apalling doesn't it? seems awful. seems hateful almost. seems angry. maybe you're mouth is hanging open wondering how i could feel or think such an awful thing. or maybe..

just maybe..

you kinda get it. you kinda see it. you can understand it.

let me explain.

in the beginning, i wanted to go everyday, heck i NEEDED to go everyday. it's where i felt closest to her. her body is there, her final resting place.

without realizing it though, i always had an underlying unrealistic expectation. i think i've mentioned it before in past posts.

as i drove up the hill and around the bend, i wanted to see her sitting there, i wanted to see her crawling through the grass. sitting atop the stone legs swinging hair blowing in the breeze.

each time we would clean the stone, remove the clunky clay rocks, wipe the dirt from the angels, replace the old flowers with the new. each time, we would parent the only way we knew how. we took care of our girl the only earthly way we were allowed. we tended her spot, we brought her decor for the seasons.


but then something changed.

something happened within me.

it was christmas.

i was angry.

i was realizing i would never see what i wanted to see.

each time j would ask if i was ready to go, i would stall.. hoping, wishing, waiting, willing myself to see her physical body there. never will that happen. and i hated it.

in those moments, the moments of what is supposed to be the holidays of cheer and joy. i was angry hell i was PISSED! this was not OK, and what was the point of standing there?

nothing would come of it.

i didn't feel peace anymore, i didn't feel calmed. most of the time i didn't much feel her presence there anymore.

we didn't go back until March, her 2nd birthday. we brought her a beautiful and bright arrangement of flowers.

again, we cleaned and scrubbed, polished and tidied up her spot. only this time, there was a numbing empty that i felt.

in the past i felt some kind of fulfillment from carrying out these activities. i was honoring her, mothering her the only way i knew how to.

it wouldn't be until just this past june that i had an opportunity to visit her again. when the conversation first started my immediate thought was... i don't really want to.. i really don't care to.

followed by extreme guilt and sadness. how is it that i can think such a thing? how is it that i can NOT want to visit the spot where my daughter lies.

i talked to dr.d about this finally.. through my shame and through  my guilt i told her how i didn't care if she had fresh flowers. it was irrelevant if she had working whirly-gigs or pretty decoration.. at the end of the day, i would never get from that spot what i truly and really want.

so why do it. why put myself in a position to continuously wish for the impossible?

that was the first time i said it out loud... the second time was today. to J. we're going out of town this weekend and will be merely a 45 minute drive from her rather then a 3 hour. we talked about going, i told him i didn't care to. i was so scared so afraid that he would think less of me.

he understood.

maybe you do, maybe you don't. but at that moment of realization last month, i could understand why the little girl buried diagonal from Savanna who died 10 years ago, never has fresh flowers on her grave. only once have we seen new ones.. on the date of her birth 10 years ago.

so many times had i cursed those parents and looked down upon them. so many times i was hateful to these strangers.. but here i am now.. understanding and more compassionate.

i'll never see her in this life, the way that i want to. i have realized i don't have to go to a grave to feel close to my girl. forever since her funeral i have called it her spot because calling it her grave or the cemetery made it too real. made it too gruesome and traumatic. but that is the fact. and that is what it is. it is where we laid her body to rest.. but her memory of her life, her smiles, her spirit.. they're buried in my heart a part of MY soul and spirit forever, they're locked in the layers of my mind.

and that's something i can visit any day of the week.

so maybe now you understand. and maybe still you don't. but i have always promised to be real and true.. and as afraid as i am to hit the publish button.. this part of grief can be so incredibly ostrasizing. please know if you have these feelings you're not alone. you're not a monster.


Sweet Savanna,
I love you sweet girl.
Love, Momma