Spring for SIDS 2011

Today is National SIDS awareness day. Join us in remembering our Savanna and all those taken too soon. Wear your pink, blue, ribbons and bows in honor of our sweet little girls.

I am so excited to see all those raising awareness in hopes that one day no parent or family member will have to suffer through this terrible pain and loss. Join me and so many other moms in this fight against SIDS.

To make your donation today simply click the donate button over there to the right. Or you can go to here to make a donation directly to the foundation. Don't forget to include Savanna's name so our team will get credit! Please share this day with anyone and everyone as we fight for our baby's.

My Savanna Dawn 03.28.10-11.12.10

Selfishishly drowning in Selfishness

I feel so selfish and self-centered lately. Only thinking about me and my trials and tragedy. Only concerned with the way I am feeling. Emails and messages, text messages and letters piling up. And I can't seem to find the energy to respond to them. I feel I'm on the brink of breakdown. I haven't had one in quite some time.. maybe it's due time? I feel like the denial is happening all over again. Maybe if I don't respond, I don't acknowledge, maybe then I'll wake up and this new life I'm living will all disappear. Maybe if I run fast enough away I can walk into what it used to be. There are days I feel like a broken record. I try to find any excuse to insert Savanna's name into a conversation, I look for every opening to talk about when I was pregnant with her. I want so badly to still be a part of those mommy conversations and trips to the baby stores. I want to be excited that my baby is walking. I still talk about her as if she's here. Others on the outside.. well they don't get it. They are cordial, they smile as I recall my most precious memories--but I know they're uncomfortable. I know they are trying to find the first 'out' of the conversation.

I just hate it. Hate that this has to be my reality. Hate that this is what I ponder over. Should I mention her or should I not? I hate feeling crazy half the time. I hate hate hate this all. It's all so confusing. So draining. So mind numbingly... reality. It's my reality.. it's my life. And just trying to figure out how I fit in all of it takes so much out of me. I'm going through the motions, faking it through each day. At night's end, I ponder my grief. I don't know where I stand. I want to move forward, I want to help others.. and yet---I can't even help myself. I have gone back and forth on whether or not I should talk to someone. Maybe a counselor? Maybe group session? Maybe a chaplain? I don't know.. I don't want to be treated as a 'patient.' I am a mommy living after loss.. I can't be fixed. And so I don't want someone to try to fix me.. and certainly not someone who has not experienced this path.

Ultimately I think it comes down to the fact that I am just trying to figure out this new me. I think I have been trying so hard to be who I once was that it's confusing and conflicting. Instead of trying to be something I no longer am, I have to figure out who I am now. Now I have I new identity I am coming to find. That is what I think I am most in denial about. I don't want to have to be someone different, I liked who I was. I was confidant with the old me. But now, too much has changed. I try so hard not to put myself into a seperate category. I try not to ostrasize myself from the world, but it's hard. Because most of the world doesn't understand the new me either. So I have inverted and flipped around. I have tried to concentrate on me. Tried to pinpoint what I want out of life. The things that used to bring me down before no longer hold a significance to me anymore. My values have been adjusted and priorities have been re-arranged.

So I may seem fickle, self-involved, self-pitying.. it's not because I don't care. It's exactly the opposite. I care immensely. My heart explodes at all the wonderfulness and compassion that surrounds me. But it takes so much energy to individually recognize it. I'm in a merry-go-round of self-preservation mixed with self-realization. I am trying to accept that this is who I am now. Things change, people change. I just never expected me to change in this way. I never expected things to turn out the way they did. But.. they did. And now I'm just going in circles always finding myself in this same place. So forgive me for being slightly selfish and in my own head. I hope to be out of this soon. And I hope to feel comfortable in my own skin again one day. Because right now, my skin just doesn't seem to fit right.. and I'm beginning to wonder if it ever really and truly will.

Standing Still

I have come to this place several times in the last week and just stared. Stared at the blinking cursor and the blank canvas trying to figure out how to put into words my place in this journey. And finally I think I know. Life has been so crazy and so busy with the new job, training, driving 2.5 hours away for training, being away from the hubster, and just life in general. I have come to so many realization over the last week.. life literally just keeps going. Yet I am truly starting to feel left behind. I'm standing still on this path to nowhere. I don't feel sad, angry, depressed, nothing. But I'm not really numb either. I'm in a sort of limbo'd haze if you will. I haven't really been hiding or hunkering down in my ever so comfortable hole. I have just been here in one spot. It seems I have reached this very confusing part of this 'process' of 'grief.' Huh, process.. I hate that term.

I have surpassed that point of just 'coping' with life after her, life without her. I'm beyond just 'trying' to survive. Surviving has become my a necessity in my life now just as oxygen is to breathe. Surviving and coping have become an everyday part of my life. I don't feel I have to work as hard all the time now, it has become so natural. A part of nature. A part of my normal. It's complete taboo though that this constant road to survival has to become a part of my life. And yet, here I am. Surviving. And now, that I'm passed the trying to survive, and trying to cope, I'm now trying to learn to live. Live without my daughter here and her smiles to greet me in the morning. I am learning to live with the acceptance that I'll never get to see her take her first steps, drop her off at the bus stop. I'll never get to make her a brown bag lunch. I won't ever get to experience the 'i hate my mom' teen years. I remember thinking after she was born, I dreaded those days. Dreaded the days of the birds and the bees talk, the dating talks, the day I would have to let her drive by herself, or watch her graduate. And now.. well now I wish I could have those teenage daughter days. I wish I could experience those things. All the things that I was scared of, I wish with every ounce of energy, spirit, and fiber within me that I could taste just some of that.

Wondering and pondering, thinking and contemplating of what could have been, what would have been, but most importantly what SHOULD have been. I should NOT be here.. typing.. telling the story of my dead daughter. I should be snuggling up with her.. watching her take her first steps.. keeping her out of everything.. taking her to the park. But.. what I have found over much self reflection and time to wonder, ponder, think and contemplate; I am learning to accept that this--this life--this card--this hand I have been dealt.. it is what it is. And I am learning to realize that this is my life. I know I will always wonder, always wish, always yearn for her. But I am learning to accept that this is my path now. This is MY normal. I'm still not OK with it.. not sure if I ever really be. But I am learning to be OK with my path and my new normal.

I believe mostly, the shock has finally started to wear off. It hasn't gotten any easier to say my daughter died. And I'm pretty sure it never will. But I have seen myself in this place that I currently am.. the place of accepting my fate. And I have been hazed over. I feel that is the reason mostly I have shunned away from facebook so much, shyed away from this space. I love this space. It has become a wonderful escape. A 'cheap' therapy if you will. A wonderful way to network and connect with others. Mostly, it's been a source to share the story of Savanna and her keep her alive in my mind and my heart. I think I have been afraid of these things I have been feeling, or not feeling I should say. I am slowly getting further away from the 'freshness' of her death. And now I am getting into the 'living' WITH her death. I can't say I've moved on, moved forward or backward. I just feel I'm sitting in shallow water watching the waves and waiting to see which way the tide will take me.

So many changes have occurred over the last couple weeks, J and I have grown even closer. I have met wonderful people through this new job. My parents are moving in two weeks. And tomorrow, it marks 5 months I've been without her here in my arms. I was thinking about that on my 2.5 hour trip to the training facility Sunday night. Thinking back to the first day I had to bring Savanna to the sitter. I called the sitter at each break and my lunch. I was so nervous to leave her, missed her terribly all day. I remember being so excited to come home and see her. I missed her like crazy and couldn't wait to scoop her up into my arms.. that was only 8 hours. And now, now it's about to be 5 months. 5 hard, painful, scary, sad months. I could barely go 8 hours and now I have gone 5 months? I'm not sure how that has happened. Or where the time has gone. It has seemed to take forever and yet took so long. These 5 months have felt like 5 years and 5 days all at the same time.

Everyone says that time is your best friend. Maybe, and probably so. Mostly I think it's what you do in that time. It's how you chose to use that time that helps you heal and move forward. I'm learning to move forward. It's completely frightening and overwhelming.. the guilt of moving forward without her. But I know it's a necessity, it's a choice I have to make. Doesn't mean I like it, but I have to.

My heart aches for her everyday. I look at her pictures as a reminder of the pureness of her essence, the joy that creeped into my life, the happiness that fulfilled my heart. A remembrance that she was, no IS very real. She is very much still a part of my life. I'm learning to accept that the what-ifs, the shoulda coulda woulda's will always be there. But they aren't so strong. The current of the waves are slowly starting to carry me towards the sunset. To the brighter days. Acceptance is difficult. It's frightening. I have been standing still for so long it feels, I feel that I need to do something. I need to move in a direction. And I sure as hell am not moving backward.. I've worked to hard at surviving and moving forward.

So for now, I am accepting this limbo of a world I am surrounded by. I will accept that lives keep going, the world keeps spinning and the next day will always come. I am accepting that what I want and what I will always want, I just can't have in the way that I want. I am learning to accept the things I cannot change. And as I wade through the water and find the tide to carry me forward, I will close my eyes and think of my Savanna and her sweet sweet smile. And I will think of the person, the woman, the wife, the mother, the daughter, the friend, the listener, the child of Christ I have grown into... I will think of these things and be forever grateful. For her, because of her.. I am better.

Precious Savanna,
It's been too long. It feels like an eternity you've been away. To put it quite plainly, I miss you. Looking at your pictures, remembering your sweet and joyous smile. Your personality and essence. I crave for it everyday. I wish this hole in my heart would mend a little faster, but in the same moment, I want the mending to slow down. I don't want to step a foot further away from you. But I know I must, and I know I have to. I know you are singing joyously above the clouds, learning so much from the angels and God. But I refuse to say you're in a better place. I hate when people say that, that you're in a better place, because at the end of the day.. the only place you belong is in my arms. I am learning to accept that this is just the way it is. It's in the very stillness of the night I will close my eyes and think of you, and your little gibber jabber, your tiny giggles, and your beautiful blue eyes. These memories don't make me as sad anymore.. they make me smile. They make me thankful. They make me feel so completely blessed. You were my angel in disguise, and I will forever you in my heart, my mind and my soul. Sit tight little Bo, mama will be there in due time. With every beat of my heart and breath that I take, I am closer to you. Always remember that.

I love you forever, I love you for always and with all of me,
mama

My Happy List.. a day late..

I am a day late.. but better late then never right??  Thanks to Natasha for helping us all try to find the half full glass in a very half empty journey...

It's been a wild past few weeks to say the least. I became so engrossed in Savanna's first birthday and trying to celebrate her life that I have neglected so many other aspects of my life. This blog, emails, messages and friends blogs to start with. My mind has been so one dimensional. I don't like to be that person that doesn't respond or at least say thank you. I have received so many touching messages and emails over the last few weeks, and I just hate that I haven't had the opportunity, or the focus to respond to them. As a general statement.. if you have sent us something--anything--whether a gift for Savanna's birthday, a donation for our SFS campaign, an email, letter or photos of your balloon releases.. let me first say that we have read, seen, looked at each and every one of them. Each one brought smiles to our faces and tears to our eyes.  So please know, that if I have not responded to you, it is not because I don't care or am ignoring you. It is simply that I haven't had much focus lately. But I do promise that I will get back to you in some way shape or form. It may be next week or even next month.. but I promise that I will!
*****

And now.. on to my happy list. :)

1. My new job! I am currently away from home.. which doesn't make me that happy. The training center for my new employment is about 2 hours away from us. I will be here for a week and then back home, back here for a couple days, back home, then back again for 2 days. It's weird, I haven't been away from J since before Savanna died.. our first time apart really. It's OK so far, the bed is much spacier without elbows to the head, but it's also colder. So although these next few weeks away won't be so happy-- it is temporary. And to sacrifice a little for a lot in the future is worth it. And so makes me happy.. I am furthering my career and setting us up for more financial stability for our family. It's pretty exciting.

2. My parents and brother will finally be moving here! After much anticipation and days of missing them.. they are finally able to make the big move! They will be moving at the end of this month. I am so excited for the opportunities that have been placed in their path and so absolutely ecstatic that those opportunities bring them closer to me! This grief journey is hard.. it's more then hard.. it sucks.. having to do it apart and 1100 miles away from your family makes it tougher.

3. Our SFS campaign! The shirts have been ordered and should be here in two weeks! I am so excited to announce the final numbers! Team Savanna's Smiles (our team) received 59 t-shirt orders! Team Savanna's Angels (DHS Spiritline team of El Mirage, AZ) received 29 orders! That brings our total to 88 t-shirts!!! Do you remember what our goal was?? THIRTY!! I am so giddy with joy over this... But that's not the best part of it all.. the shirts will be shipped and worn by people in 15 different US states AND 2 different countries! And again, I was amazed as I tallied up our total donations. (this is pure profit after purchasing the shirts) we have raised a total of $1058.00!!!!! (do you remember my goal? $500!!)That will go directly to the American SIDS institute to fund research and spread awareness and information... and to think, there's still 26 days left! So needless to say, I am thrilled, blessed, honored, humbled and so completely grateful for the contributions made in Savanna's honor. Although I am not able to mother her in the way that I want--at least not in this life-- I can still be a mom to her in the best way I know how.

3. The biggest thing I am so proud and ecstatic over is her garden. I have never had a garden. Never really been able to keep plants alive actually. We had always planned to plant a tree for her. From the moment we found out we were pregnant, we had talked about it. Wherever we landed, we would plant a tree. It would grow with her as she grew. A jungle gym for her, a hideaway, a sanctuary. Of course, we didn't plan on her death.. but then she did die.. and it became something different. We wanted a tree to remember her. A constant reminder of the life that lived. We scoured the Internet trying to find the 'perfect' tree. How do you pick a perfect tree for your dead infant? There were so many unsettling things that came with that decision. Finally, after seeing Natasha's and Franchesca's garden photos, I became inspired. I too wanted a garden. Because then, I could pick all kinds of flowers. I could change it if I wanted, re-arrange it.. add to it, take away from it. It just seemed the perfect way to memorialize Savanna. So after much discussion and debate, the hubster and I decided on a place... And in one day, we went from this:

To this (3 hours later):

 

To this (2 hours later):

Finally, to this...

4. I was a crazy picture/video taker when it came to Savanna. I have hundreds of photos of her. J used to make fun of me, now we are both so happy we documented as much as we did. Because now, when I feel the connection wavering, or a memory fading--I can look back and be reminded of what I'm missing. But what's better then looking at her pictures? When I get pictures from others that I have never seen. It's like I get to make a new memory of her. I get to add another file to the cabinet to be locked and stowed safely away. I get to smile all over as I think back to that time. Last week, I received an email from J's cousin. She found about 40 pictures on her thumb drive of Savanna when she was still brand spankin' new (only 2 weeks old)!

Daddy's first day back to work.. clearly she did not like that!

5. Daddy's and their baby girl's... 'nough said!

                                      

6. Last but certainly not least. I have been having ins and outs, ups and downs these last few weeks. But what truly can make me smile, and bring a little happy in my heart is Savanna. Her essence, her life, her smile and spirit.. all those things that make her up.. that makes me smile. I miss her terribly and wish with every ounce of my existence I could have her back.. but to know the memories are there in my filing cabinet of my mind... it makes me happy to know I will always have the key to find her whenever I need to.

Savanna,
With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, I am closer to you. Loving you from afar, loving you for always, forever in my heart you will be. -Mommy

New job and update

I got a new job. Pretty exciting stuff! I will be a tech for a dialysis center. And what's better is they pay for nursing school--100%!!!! J was pretty excited when I told him about that.. I think his pocket book took a sigh of relief.. But with getting a new job, it means I had an old one. Which means I had to leave one. This job was the last place I thought I would ever be. When we moved to TX I was a stay at home mom. I had the intent of eventually going back to work, but was enjoying my time at home with little bit. And then a month passed and I felt like i was ready to go back to work. As much as I enjoyed every minute with her, I was going stir crazy. We were in a new town, and only knew one other couple. I needed some outside stimulation. and there is only so much to do in this town before it comes extremely repetitive. So... i went looking. I never had a hard time finding a job.. at least not in a big city like Phx. But out here--it was rather difficult. After 3 interviews and 3 NO call backs, I was getting discouraged. So I decided to try out a temp agency.. I had a job within a month!

It would be at a title company as an escrow assistant. huh?? I know! That's what I thought when they told me. Sure I had bought house before.. but never did I know what a title company did. Well I found out! There was much more involved in the purchase of a home then my little brain could wrap it's head around! I was learning a great deal about the real estate business. It was interesting, and each file was different. Not to mention, the people I worked with are absolutely wonderful. Always patient, never judging, and would ask the same question I asked over and over. To top it off, they are a christian based office, took prayer requests at every Monday meeting and played Christian music in the office. I loved it! It was the perfect place, but it wasn't the perfect career. It's not what I ultimately wanted to do with my life. I want to be a nurse. I'm about halfway there to apply for nursing school -- i took the long way. (after many detours and LOTS of life lessons, i finally got my act together!)

After being with the title company for a couple months (as a temp) I received a possible employment opportunity at a dialysis center. J looked into it a little, but it didn't sound condusive with our schedule. Crazy hours, overtime--I was still a new mommy. And although I was a temp, there was word going round that they would be offering me a full time position. So I never persued it further. Then a couple months later... Savanna passed away. The title company was wonderful. Although i was not technically a 'full time' employee.. they gave me all the time I needed. They prayed for me, prayed with me. Sent flowers, offered to cook meals for us. My boss even came to the hospital the night that it all happened. Between the funeral and the memorial service I was out of work for 3 weeks. J had to go back to work, so I decided it would be better I work then stay at home. So I went back. They were absolutely wonderful around me. There was no walking on egg shells. I was able to talk about Savanna as I needed, cried as I needed. There was never any pressure to 'pretend.' I could run to the back to cry if I needed and no one ever judged me. They had all met Savanna before, and naturally I had always talked about her and brought pictures. So, I'm fairly certain they all loved her too.

But honestly, have you seen her pictures?? it's so hard to NOT fall in love with that face!! (maybe I'm biased??!) So they all cried with me some days and talked me through some very difficult moments. Well that job opportunity? Ya, second time--it pops up. How could I possibly leave this place and these people? They have been incredibly compassionate with me. So patient.. Some days I would trail in a little late due to rough mornings.. but there they were with open arms supporting me as best they knew how. They never made me feel like I had to 'move on' or hurry up and grieve. So, I didn't dive any further into the other job. How could I leave them? They had done so much for me.

Then a couple months after that ( about a month ago) I received an email. An email asking me if I would be interested in this position. Well, this was the third time... 1-2--3! So I said, 'Ok Lord, I get it. I'll look into it. If this is the path I am to take open the door, if it's not close it." It seemed the opportunity had knocked a few times now, clearly He was telling me to answer it! So, I agreed to an interview to see what it was about. I had a list of questions and was ready to go. And, well, the answers they had were more then satisfactory. Refer back to the first sentence.. yes that's right . 100% reimburse for nursing school.. that's over $8000 that will NOT come out of our pocket! Sure the hours are a little crazy.. but we can manage. I will get submerged into the field I want to be, and will be doing something fulfilling a path I feel has been paved for me.

So today I said goodbye to my old job and opened the door to my new one. But it seems now, as I reflect on it all.. I have said goodbye to more then just a job and people. I have said goodbye to part of my past. I have said goodbye to the memories of the call. Afterall, that is where I was when i found the news. It was that parking lot I ran through to get to my car. It was that parking lot I sped out of as I prayed my daughter was OK. That was the place I walked into everyday, looking at that spot, that phone and remembering what happened in that moment on that day. I'm saying goodbye to all of that and leaving it behind.

It's funny, that job. It came when it was supposed to. It served it's purpose in my life and now it's time to move forward. Kind of like Savanna. She served her earthly purpose, and it was time for her to move forward. Savanna died, and so did my need to be at that place. I could no longer look at it from the perspective of all the things they have done for me. At this point, I have to do what is right for J and I. I have to think about our family now and what is important to us. This will place me on a path to complete and carry on my journey. I will have ample opportunities to spread Savanna's story and share her legacy. it's the next part of my journey. I didn't listen at first, but I don't think I was meant to. I was made to listen in the time I was supposed to. And now, I take this new opportunity, this new experience, this 'fresh start' so to speak with arms wide and heart open.

I'm scared as hell. And I anticipate those awkward moments of the 'do you have any kids' questions. But I'm ready for it. As God as my strength, I will make it. and imagine, imagine all the lives Savanna can touch now.
*******
I wanted to give an update on our SFS campaign. For those that still would like to order a shirt to wear on April 29th (the profits from the shirts will be donated) tomorrow is the last day to make your order! We will continue to accept donations until April 29th!! Please email me if you have any questions!

As of now, I am so excited to share with you our progress thus far.

Remember that our goal was 30 shirts?? Well, we are at 43! Count them, 43!! Not only did we get 43 shirt orders, but people in 12 different states will be wearing a shirt with my baby girl's name on it! But it gets better.. We have received donations fro 38 stickers! We are only 62 away from our goal of 100 stickers! To receive a sticker/donation card you must donate a minimum of $5

Here is the doozy.. so far we have received $1260.00 in donations!! And we still have 29 days left!!! I am so excited to see all the people that have put in an effort to help us try to find an answer! I am in hopes that one day no parent will have to hear the word SIDS. Thank you to all who have participated so far and continue to spread our message and goal! Don't forget about the giveaway we are doing! You can read more about it here

Today--March 28, 2011

Today. Monday. March 28, 2011. We celebrated sweet Savanna's first birthday. It wasn't at all how I had pictured it though. I imagined her wearing the bright pink "birthday girl" hat with the matching pink tutu. I pictured a monstrous size cupcake at her disposal. I did not picture J and I standing at her spot.. bringing her flowers, releasing balloons and ladybugs. But that is my reality. And today, well today had all the makings to be a terrible day. A sad day. An emotional day. I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry today or sad. I was angry that I was visiting a cemetery on my daughters birthday, saddened that I wouldn't get to see her try to blow our her candles. Unnerved that I was releasing balloons to heaven instead of watching her rip open her own presents. So as I prepared for this day, I prepared to be a total and complete mess. The anxiety of the anticipation for this day had overcome me and took over my mind. I woke up and I was sad this morning.. I knew what the day was to bring. I knew that with each hour that passed, I was another hour away from the last memory of her. I was moving forward, and doing it without her.

As the day drew on, tears were shed, laughter rang, cheeks were stained, smiles erupted. I started to realize that we were getting through this day. Not only together but with so many people supporting us and lifting us up in their thoughts and their prayers. I was humbled yet again today. Humbled more then I could have ever imagined. As I checked my FB, message after message I saw my Savanna's name. People wishing her a happy birthday. People putting out prayer requests for J and I. People releasing balloons in honor of Savanna. Ladybug pictures flooding my wall. My inbox poured out with SIDS donations made in honor of her on her birthday. Emails of supports, messages of love. Other baby loss mama's that I have 'met' through these heartwrenching circumstances, they took a moment to share our story on their personal spaces. My eyes filled with tears as I read blog after blog of so many women lending themselves to us as they themselves are suffering through their pain. To all of you mama's thank you. This road is crappy, it's hard and it's confusing.. with you women, I can somehow feel normal. Feel like I'm not crazy.

This day, was by no means easy. It was hard, it's still hard. It's unspeakable and absolutely not natural what so ever. But it was bearable. Today was manageable. Today I was able to survive. We survived. And i have so many of you to thank for reaching out to us.. for remembering Savanna. For keeping her memory alive. So thank you. To all of you. I will do my best over the next few days to thank each and every one of you individually. I feel that is something I must do, as you have each taken a moment out of your day for us, for Savanna. Without the grace of God, the presence of my baby girl, and the love and care of all of you.. we would not have been able to make it through these very difficult days. I wish I could post all of the pictures.. but here are a few for you. Please check out my Facebook page to see all of the pictures!

Her spot decorated

Releasing her balloons. There was one for her friend Kamryn and Kyleigh

Ladybugs sent to us from a blog reader now friend

There were hundreds and hundreds of them

It was so peaceful watching them move about her spot

Crawling on her flowers

I know, why did I take pictures of the ladybug on the angels butt? Simple, it made us laugh. And laughing today was such an important part of this day. So I just had to share.

Some balloons that were released for her today.

I don't know about you.. but this kind of looks like wings to me.

Dear sweet Savanna,

I hope your birthday in heaven was more then you could have dreamed. I just know you had so many of your other angel friends with you.. angels of mommies I hold close to my heart. I tried not to cry for you today.. but there were moments when mommy and daddy were weak and we the pain of missing you overcame our hearts and our minds. It is now that this milestone has passed that I have truly begun to wrap my brain around the reality that you are gone. Today had all the makings of being unbearable, and yet here we are standing. We are slightly bent over and a little beaten and worn for wear, but we are standing none the less. Each and every day, I am united with people whose lives you have touched and I am reminded of the pureness and essence of you. Your life has made an impact on this world, a footprint that remains permeanantly imbedded in hearts everywhere. My life began one year ago today. I miss you terribly and wish everyday I could hold you close. I hope to see you in my dreams soon.. Thank you for the peek of sunshine today on this very cloudy and cold day. I'm sure you were using all the sunshine in heaven for your birthday. I know how much you love the sunshine princess. Please know I think about you everyday. I have my struggles, my daily trials and tribulations.. but at the end of the day--I think of your smile, your joy, your beautiful shining blue eyes and somehow I am brought to peace. I love you little miss. More then I could ever clearly express verbally to you. Look to my heart baby girl, it's all in there. Everything you is there. Everything you is a part of me. I love you sweet Bo.. completely and openly with every piece and inch of my existence. I will work my hardest and darndest to keep your memory alive. With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart-I am closer to you.

I love you baby girl. Happy Birthday
Mommy

*********************************

Remembering March 28, 2010

Surviving

As I sit here and ponder.. I am left to think how much in this last week I have neglected this spot. This very special place that has become such an escape and a therapy. A comfort and a sort of friend. I have neglected others blogs and reading their trials, struggles, milestones, and journey's. I have come to a conclusion..

today we had a small birthday celebration for Savanna. Although her birthday is not until Monday, we wanted to do something small for her to include our closest family and friends. As we sang Happy Birthday the reality of what has actually happened smacked me in the face. It became as real as real can be.. I was not singing to the happy one year old gorging down on some cake, but an angel in heaven watching us from above. And in that moment, the weight of the world and all of my stresses had weighed heavily on my shoulders. And it all made sense. I know before I said I was hiding.. which I think I still kind of am. But more then hiding.. I have been scared.

I have submerged myself into this silly planning and small details. But when it came to lighting her candle.. J and I looked to each other. Do we sing, do we blow out the candles.. what do we do?? And then those around us started to sing and I realized we were truly moving forward. I have felt guilty and angry. Guilty that I was planning a birthday without her, angry because I was planning a birthday without her. Sure, tell me that I shouldn't feel that way. Tell me that she is always with me. Tell me that she is having the best birthday in heaven. Guess what? It still hurts. It still sucks. And it still remains that I don't have a bouncing and bubbly 1 year old sitting on my lap. Instead, I have tear stained cheeks and broken hearted pieces.

I went outside, to breathe.. get some air. Get away from the people surrounding us. I was suffocating and needed something to breathe. I didn't think it was going to be that hard.. and to think.. it's not even her birthday yet. I'm not sure what I thought it was going to be.. but I didn't expect that, and it came out from left field and sat it's ass right in front of me.

But I'm digressing.. we went outside. To escape the suffocation.

J put out the candles.. we couldn't muster the strength to blow them out.. they handed me the knife to cut the cake. I stood there frozen--I couldn't take the knife. Cutting her cake.. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to cut into a cake she would never get to taste. Never get to dive her face into. Never get to squish between her fingers and get stuck in her nose and ears. I had it pictured you know. The pink birthday girl hat with the pink tutu.. face first in her special chocolate cake.. flashes from cameras snapping.. everyone giggling and cracking up as she went to town on her cake. But no, instead--I was going to have to cut it. And I couldn't.

I digress again.. like I said.. we went outside.

My sweet and very best friend KB was there with her family. And she spotted something.. i was trying to let the air fill my lungs.. trying to 'hold it together' on the outside while every piece of me was shattering on the inside. I thought she was just walking over to talk to the kiddos.. then I heard her say ladybug.. what??
So I walked over.. she saw one flying.. we looked and looked. And what do you know.. A ladybug! A smile was brought to my face as I finally saw my first ladybug of the season. And what a perfect day for it to come! It didn't put me back together.. but it brought some of those pieces back that had been lost into oblivion. It brought back some bits of hope and light. The Lord allowed these beautiful little creatures to bless me in this moment. And I knew Savanna was right there with me.. carrying me through these moments. It was a beautiful moment.. I immediately picked her up and brought her in the house to show everyone..

So I had a different stride in my step. A different light in my mind. A new kind of peace in heart. We did her balloon release and as we talked and mingled.. we found many more ladybugs making their presence known. I just know that Savanna and Kamryn were there with us all.. blessing us with these sightings and ensuring us all that they were close by forever and always.
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 That's not all I wanted to write about it.. her birthday is still coming. That day specifically.. a year ago from Monday.. I gave birth to my sweet little Savanna. As I sit and think about that day.. and how she took us completely by surprise in so many ways.. I also began to think of that person. That other Tabatha. The person I used to be. I find myself envying that person. The 'old' me.. the pre-dead daughter me.. I always knew of all the things that could happen. The things to be aware of. Ways to reduce risks.. but like so many.. I was naive.. I just knew I was the exception to the rule. Nothing would happen to MY daughter.. things like that... that happens to other people. I read about those people, but to me? Nope.. I get a pass.. a get out of jail free card... Clearly.. I am no exception to that 'rule.' and i realize.. I miss being that person sometimes. Because now, now I am afraid of everything. In the end, I know the Lord's purpose will be delivered, and whatever the destiny may be is what shall be done. But I am still human. That thought can only comfort me for so long.. there are still pieces of me that fight the darkness of thinking of EVERYTHING that could go wrong.. not just what happened with us. Miscarriage, stillbirth, diseases, infections... the list could go on forever..

And so I wonder.. what kind of mommy will I be next time? Will I be paranoid? Will I be over-protective? I guess these are probably questions we all battle. But I can't help to think back.. think back to the person that I used to be. I enjoyed being pregnant.. (for the most part) loved feeling the kicks and the hiccups.. will I just be nervous all the time? Will I read into every little thing as a sign of bad things to come? I think back to the old me.. I miss that me sometimes... I envy her.. the new me.. the new me is broken, slightly tattered and sloppily put back together. Some days I wish I could have some of the old me back.. but the new me? I guess I will have to learn to accept me. So I'm working on that.. it's hard.. it's difficult.. and it's exhausting. But this is what I get.. this is what I have to offer.. and I'm learning to adjust to the new me.. as much as I don't want to. We all have to do things we don't want to at one time or another, but in order to survive--we have to do it. And me? Well, I'm surviving.

An update.. and a Request

There has been a lot going on lately. Trying to get our Spring for SIDS fundraising organized, getting ready for Savanna's first Birthday in Heaven, and just dealing with everyday life as it jumps into my face.

I have found a new love for scrap booking and crafts. I mean, I have always enjoyed doing it.. but now, now it's becoming a new found passion. It calms me and excites me all in one. I guess mostly  because I can live in that moment and direct my attention to something else, something pretty, something with some self gratification. There's no dead daughter, no sadness, no grief, no negativity.. just me and my creations. Funny how something as silly as cutting and pasting, rhinestoning and sewing can ease your mind. After a few discussions, J has given me the spare room. :) This was to be deemed his 'man cave' but he gets the garage AND the shed.. It's only fair I get the little spare room! So over the next few months I will be getting rid of the current furniture and purchasing new furniture, shelving, and desk. I'm pretty excited.. it's something to center my attention on. As the days go forward and I feel like my grief is at a stand still, I need to stay busy. Any moment of sitting feeling unproductive leaves opportunity for satan to pick at my vulnerability. That's my side project that I have taken a liking to.

I also wanted to update everyone on how we're doing with our SFS (spring for sids) fundraising. So far we have received 23 shirt orders! That's 7 away from our goal!! It is absolutely heart warming and unbelievable all of the support and blessings we have received. Complete strangers have donated and I couldn't be any more humbled. I also got word that there was a $50 donation made yesterday and a $20 one done today. I am absolutely thrilled.

There is only 9 days left to make a shirt order. We will be ordering them on April 1st to ensure they get here on time for us to ship out to you by the 29th. To see what the shirts look like and get more information click here. For this next week, I have also decided to do a donation give-away! For every t-shirt donation you make you will get entered into the drawing for this!

It's the Willow Tree Angel of Hope. This angel signifies so much more then I could even express. It is for hope of a better tomorrow. Hope that one day, no parent will have to hear the word SIDS. Hope that one day, all the broken hearted, empty armed mamas and daddy's will somehow be mended. Hope that people will open their eyes and be so very grateful for what they have in front of them. A hope that I will be re-united with MY angel one day. For each t-shirt you order, I will assign you a number and using random.org I will choose the winner. (yes this includes all of you who have already made a donation!) I will announce the winner on April 12--Savanna's 5 month Angelversary. I am HOPEful that doing something for someone else, will make that day somehow more bearablle and bring a little light into the day. This donation give-away will end on midnight of April 11th. (I know the orders will be closed the 1st, but if you make at least a $20 donation, we will enter your name!)

I have also decided to do a dollar to donate give-away. For every dollar you donate, you will get entered into a drawing for one of these.

It is the pregnancy and infant loss awareness colors with a little charm with footprints. The was made out of para cord by my beautiful friend Megan. You can find her facebook page here. She is a blog reader and sent me one of these and I knew I wanted to give one away as well. I wear mine everyday and feel naked without it! This giveaway starts from today until April 20th. The winner will be chosen and sent out immediately so you can have it by the 29th!
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Lastly, I have a short story to share, and a special request to make. It's not often that we meet people that make such an impact on our lives that it forces us to proofread our own lives. People that touch our hearts and make us better just by being a part of your life. I have grown close to many women in this very heartbroken community. So many survivors and courageous women. Women, who even in their darkest days, will reach out to you and help you see the light. Kandice is that person for me. On March 24, 2010 the Lord needed her little angel Kamryn Jaymes back. Kandice contacted me the day after Savanna died.. and she reached out to me. Over time, she became someone I have come to lean on in my darkest times, and who- I hope- I have been a leaning post for her. We have come to care so much for one another. She is one of those people I feel as if I have known my whole life. We have only met in real life once, and known each other for 4.5 short months. But there is no time with her.. I truly consider her one of my very best friends and sister. Her faith is strong and has taught me so much of who I am. She has her weak moments, her times of darkness, but always finds her refuge in the Lord. I will receive a text, a message, a scripture verse or quote.. always at the right moment. We both believe our girls are BFF's in Heaven! After all.. we both share the ladybug as our signs from our girls.

Those who are aware of your dates will note that tomorrow is March 24. Tomorrow, will mark the one year Angel-versary of sweet Kamryn joining the Lord's side in Heaven. It also signifies the day that changed my dear friend's life forever. And though I know this month, this week has been so surreal, so painful, so numbing, and shocking for her, she has still managed to find some ounce of energy she has to comfort me as I prepare for Savanna's birthday. So I ask you this.. as a mother to another mother, as a baby loss mama to another, as a child of Christ to another, as a person to another person... I encourage you to help my very best friend Kandice and her family remember Kamryn. Honor Kamryn.. The family has asked that everyone wear pink in honor of their sweet little angel. Take pictures if you can so they can add them to her scrap book. (you can email pictures to me if you like if you do not know Kandice personally and I will ensure they get to her) Wear your pink and remember the little angel that blessed this family and is changing the world. Because of Kamryn and because of Savanna.. they have maneuvered the clouds and blended Kandice's path with mine. Although I hate this is how we had to come to meet, I'm so grateful to have her in my life. So wear your pink tomorrow, say a prayer and lift this family up.. And the next time you see a ladybug, think not only of Savanna--but sweet Savanna and precious Kamryn bouncing through the clouds hand in hand.

Kamryn Jaymes December 22, 2009 - March 24, 2010

Hiding

I have been in hiding. Can you tell? Partly it was because J and had a get-a-way this past weekend.
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Our very dear and wonderful friends.. scratch that--family.. have made some huge decisions in their lives. A decision that will change their course-their journey for the better. And we just had to be there to be their number one fans! These wonderful people also happen to be Savanna's Godparents.. and they are pretty phenomenal people! Things haven't always been easy and simple for them.. but they have shown me that with the Faith in the Lord, love and compassion for one another.. you can surpass all things crappy! Because of the B's, I am a better child of Christ, wife, mother and friend. They have seen me at my most darkest and helped me out, but have been there at the most brightest, and yet still lifted me up. The Lord knew we needed them in our lives.. for many reasons I could not even begin to verbally express. The human language is so limited, there just aren't enough words in the English language. So to you Mr and Mrs B.. Godfather and Godmama to Savanna--thank you. Thank you for holding my hand through the happy and the sad. Thank you for getting me and all my idiosyncrasies. Thank you for always being true to me, and telling me not always what I WANTED to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear. Thank you for being my voice of reasoning.. but most of all. Thank you for letting me grieve for Savanna and not feel guilty. Thank you for letting me rant and rage, cry and laugh without ever judging. But most of all... thank you for being YOU. Our lives are brighter because of YOU!
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Mostly I have been sneaking back into my hole due to the week to come. In less then a week.. we will be celebrating Savanna's first Birthday. Except one very intricate piece to the picture as a whole will be missing. The guest of honor.. the birthday girl. She won't be there.. not in the form that I would like at least. And in the past few days, it's starting to become less surreal and very much REAL. And I don't like it.

Sure, I've been planning things. I sent out 50+ invitations for her balloon release, set up an event on FB for all to attend, blogged about it several times.. but it was always something off in the distance. Something that I wouldn't REALLY have to deal with. In my mind somehow, I still think I'm going to wake up. So, I have twisted it around.. I fake it. I pretend that she really will be there. That I will wake up on that day to her sweet little coo's over the baby monitor. I have dreamed of that day in my mind.. thought of every little detail. I started planning her first birthday when she was merely hours old. I already had her little hat and tutu. I had her birthday outfits picked out. But now.. now it's becoming the actuality of it all. The realness of the crap pot that the universe has delivered me is no longer a dream. I am waking up and realizing that she's not going to be there. There will be no tutu's or first birthday hats.. no first birthday pictures with the front teeth grin. No cake in the face pictures or punch to serve. No party favors to make or goody bags to pass out. There will be no presents.. no tearing or crinkling of paper and scattered bows and ribbons.

Instead there will be photographs of balloons we send to Heaven. Notes and letters that we write to her. A visit to her spot with birthday flowers and wishes. A moment for J and I to try to cling to what was once our family. Thinking about plates and cups, cakes and balloons, helium tanks and tablecloths.. it makes me sick. It throws it all in my face and gets waved around, teasing me of what I no longer have. Because I'm planning a celebration to celebrate a life that is no longer here. A life that came and blessed me for 7.5 months. And now I have to try with every fiber and ounce of strength I have left to try to remember her, to remember Savanna. I don't want that day to come. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. And instead of feeling that pureness, that joy, that fulfillment as I finally got to become a mommy for real.. I will feel empty, heartbroken, lost and voided. My mommy membership has been taken away. It's been cancelled. I read on a friend's blog and she said "my mommy membership has been revoked." ain't that the truth! At least that's how it feels.

So forgive me for shying away and being less then social. My heart is breaking and I'm trying to pick up the pieces but it's shattered into a million pieces. It's as if someone is trailing behind me holding the pieces for me.. but he can't keep up. For every time they seem to fit back together, they shatter into a million more. So, I have pretended this life doesn't exist. I have pretended that everything is normal. But thinking of plates and balloons pictures and cake, I have realized I can't pretend anymore. I have to face it.. I have to face it full force with my whole heart. It's not about what I want.. what I want I can't have, It's about what I have to do. And I have to keep going. I have to continue to survive. It hurts like hell.. to feel like I am moving forward without her. But in my heart and in my memories, I know is where she now resides. I wish it were different. I will wish this for the rest of my life I'm sure. Be patient with me, be kind, be compassionate.. help me find my way out of this very dark deep hole.

I thought it was supposed to get better with time? Time seems to be at a standstill and the dirt is turning to mud to quicksand and it's getting harder and harder to pull myself to the opening.

So you see, sometimes I would just rather hide. Hide and pretend.. because in that little nook.. everything does seem to be OK. But I will make a promise that I won't stay in there forever.. just for now...

Humbled

Each day is a different day. Some days I wake and I know it's going to be a good one, others I can wake up and know that it's going to be a dark day. Today I woke up and I knew it was going to be a replay day. You know the replay of that day, that November 12. Each time I blink or close my eyes, my mind would flash back to that horrendous day. Vivid details scattered everywhere. Images of my daughter no longer with us. Pictures of doctors and nurses, ambulances and medics. Screams and cries, yells and pain. It just continued throughout the day. And as I tried to grab onto a good memory, a happy one.. the replay played louder and stronger. The repeat button pressed, the stop and off button busted. I was at a loss. And there I was sitting at my desk fighting back the tears, longing to hold my baby girl just once more. I found myself sitting there staring at the blank computer screen, the cursor staring back at me. I found myself talking to God, asking him to give her back.. even if it's for just one minute... I promised him I would cherish that minute, if only to smell her sweet smell once again to renew my memories of her every wrinkle, fold, hair and roll. I would do it, and i would never ask Him for anything ever again. Just please give me one minute. But reality sank in, and in the flesh I knew it wouldn't happen. And the dark began to steal over my every essence. I didn't care about anything at the point. I pretended to look busy, looked up and nodded when a question was asked and carried forth throughout the day.


J texted me in that exact moment. It's funny, he seems to always know when I'm in a hump. Here was our convo..

J: "How's it going."

T: "Not good, it's been a replay kinda day."

J: "Just remember the good memories."

T: "I'm trying but it's not working. I'm having a hard time remembering."

J: "Remember the raptor."

I literally started cracking up. Out loud, like a fool, at the front of the office. I couldn't help it. What am I talking about? This is what I'm talking about...

She was just a day old. J took this picture and we always joked, this was her raptor finger.. I thought of this moment and it brought a smile to my face. We chatted a bit more and I got back to work. Well tried to work. As much as it helped to have a little laughter in the dark moment.. The shadows were still weighing heavily on me. Then I checked my facebook and I had a few messages. All of them from people who wanted to just share how much Savanna's story had touched their lives. How it had made them a better mother. These ladies told me how they think about us and Savanna daily. I couldn't help but smile. My words meant something to someone else. Savanna's story, her life, was.. no IS making an impact all around the world. One of the messages, she told me she wanted to make something special in honor of Savanna.. I'm not sure what it is yet, as she's working on it. But I have seen some of her pieces, and I am excited! I then received another email from another momma who follows along. She was so deeply touched by our Savanna that she went and dedicated a star and named it after our baby girl. I was absolutely taken away. I was so humbled. Thank you CD!! Slowly I could feel the darkness lifting.. the replay wasn't playing as vividly and started to become slightly more transparent. She emailed me the certificate and I couldn't wait to show J. It doesn't stop there!

I received another donation for another shirt (that brings the count up to 8!) I also spoke with my good friend JE with the spiritline in AZ. She already received an order for a shirt and many requests to come. She sent out a mass email about all of the schools in the district participating in a jean week.. all of the proceeds will be donated to the SIDS foundation in Savanna's honor. One of the other schools had already wrote her back that they wanted to participate! She has made it their goal to get orders for shirts! At that point I couldn't stop smiling. I was so taken a back and overwhelmed. So many wonderful gifts were being put in my path. So many humbling experiences forcing me to take a step back and look at the picture as a whole. My world had seemingly become slightly less shaky and quite a bit lighter. The replay had stopped. Only sound bites and snippets seemed to entertain my thought process. And then the icing on the cake.

I just finished doing a couple pages in my scrapbook. Hubby went to bed, and I of course still awake decided that I was going to blog about my humbling experiences. As I logged in I found I had an email that I had received a comment. Here is bit from what she wrote:

"Since reading your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, I have been trying to think of something to do in honor of your Savanna. Last night I searched for and tried something on a whim, and made a little tribute to Savanna on my blog."

My mind was spinning.. there was more?? What more did the Lord have in store for me today. She provided me with a link to her blog.. so I went to it. And what I found, and what I read.. it took my breath away. Tears began to stream down my face as this stranger, this person on the other end of an IP address dedicated her blog and that post to my Savanna. She is a fellow BLM and has always been so sweet in her comments. But this, this was unexpected. It may seem to some so trivial and small. But it's those small moments that make up the bigger moments. It's those tiny bits in time that make the difference between a good day or a bad. It's the small stuff I miss the most when it comes to Savanna. So to see that she has changed her personal space... her personal diary and testament of herself to represent my special little girl.. well it just began to humble me to a place that the Lord clearly knew I needed to be. (Please check out Rebecca's Blog and read her words.)


It is now that I realize, that God did answer my request, my prayer. Not in the specific sense that I wanted it.. I wanted her physical being here, and that just can't happen... But He did remind me that she is always with me.. in my heart, in the hearts of others, in the world surrounding me, in the small and intricate details of the earth, in the meaningful words of another, in the humbling and selfless acts of a complete stranger, in ladybug sightings, sunflowers, and sunsets. He gave me more then just a minute with her. He's giving me an eternity. A forever. It's not the way I pictured it, but if it's the only way I can have her, then I will take it with heart and arms wide open. He also reminded me that I have to fight and I have to keep fighting. I can't and I won't let the darkness win--because I am a survivor. If I sat in the dark and let the movie replay day after day.. I would be missing out on my many many many minutes with Savanna.