Bumperoo Update Part 1 | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

this may be the only time i will allow any type or form of slander...

i knew i had fallen behind on blogging but just how far behind i was not aware until i clicked onto my blog and saw my last update was at 7 weeks!!!

it's actually part of my new year's resolution :)

holy cow.

that's 10 weeks ago!!! and so as said previously this will be the one and only (hopefully) time i will say that yes you may virtually bash me. BUT be kind.. i am hormonal ;)

so many of you have asked via fb/instagram/yt if i'm going to continue to do the blog updates. and the answer is YES!!! 

in this post i'll talk about how i've been feeling and just overall what's going on. i'll do another one on the doctor's appts and sonogram (with pics of course) and then I'll have one with all the bumperoo pics :)

so as it stands today i am 17 weeks!!!

yup 2nd trimester and just 2 weeks away from being at the halfway point!

how am i feeling?? well not 100%

i will definitely say that this little bean is kickin my butt!!!

i know that it's said that each and every pregnancy is different and that couldn't more closer to the truth.

cravings:
sushi (yes i get the cooked kind. and yes fish is ok. just have to know which kinds to eat and which to stay away from.)
caramel frappe from mcdonalds only

aversions:
fast food (the smell blegh)

although no longer throwing up, i still deal with bouts of nausea and a cough accompanied by a very attractive gag and dry heave. yup it's hot. i mean come on who doesn't love a good gag and a heave?!

but as long as i stay eating i do pretty ok.

the indigestion and heartburn are pretty ferocious. i had a piece of cake the other day and got indigestion! it's blasphemy!

the ta-ta's no longer give me pain but they sure are giving me back pain along with the accompanying growing belly bump :) (if you don't follow me on instagram you should, i try to post weekly belly updates on there)

mostly the back pain kicks in first thing in the morning so i've started sleeping with a pillow between my legs and it seems to help tremendously. i have been struggling with sciatica since before i got preggo and it has definitely increased in severity. i go to the chiropractor (yes it has been ok'd with my doc and it's completely safe as long as you chiropractor is certified to work on preggos :) ) every other week or so and it definitely seems to help. i'm usually a wee bit sore the next day but by day 2/3 ish i'm feelin fun and fancy free--well kinda.

definitely still tired but can get good bursts of energy. so at least the housework is getting caught up on and i'm not ALWAYS sleeping... just SOMETIMES sleeping hehe

the poo factory has been terrible. 'nough said.

booogers. (yes you must say with the puckering out of your lips and the accentuation of the o. go ahead do it. you'll make yourself giggle a little hehe)

bloated of course. gassy yes. burpy always.

maybe you may be reading this thinking.. gah stop complaining already! and i know i know. while i do have my moments of whoa is me how terrible i feel. most moments i am perfectly ok with all the hub-bub that accompanies this little growing blessing. because i know it is just that a precious little blessing. and i'll take the torment and the beating for as long as needed if that ensures this little sprout continues to thrive and grow. it's not easy growing people ya know? :)

but aside from the not-so-but-kinda-cruddiness of this growing bean there's much to be happy and joyous about.

the belly bump is growing and no longer just looks flabby. at least in my mind it's the yea she's pregnant belly rather then the umm is she pregnant or just fat belly. come on. you know what i'm talking about.

the flutters are slowly turning into movements. i've been feeling the flutters for a good 1-2 weeks now with what i think was a definite intentional wallup to my uterine lining yesterday (december 28, 2013) it was weird but also very familiar. those were my most cherished and favorite moments of pregnancy with Savanna. feeling her move, seeing her move. just so incredibly neat and wonderful and mystifying. it defies my earthly human logic to know that that little person is going to be in my arms in no time at all.

i'm getting to know this little bean of ours and it's the most wonderous thing anyone can experience. the bond i already have. the love that already erupts from the very center of my heart and soul is amazing and breathtaking. i almost started to forget what it felt like. how fresh it is. but how easily it has come back. and how natural it feels. i could never wrap my brain around loving two different little people so much. but it's been told to me so many times by so many people that it just happens. it works. you don't share the same love. you offer different love but of the same magnification and fullness of grace. your heart it intensifies its feeling and grows with the magnificence of itself. and before you even can conscniously realize you love another while the loving the first all in the same breath.

that right there. next to the gift of life itself has been the most amazing symptom of pregnancy after loss that i have yet to experience.

********

Part 2 coming soon

7 Week Bumperoo | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

hello again!

here we are for another bumpdate!

right to it, here's the 7 week pic!

i'm still learning to embrace this 'body' and just accept and be grateful. i am still incredibly self conscious about my baby belly. the ridiculous and sometimes rude comments had been getting to my head. i am learning to brush that off and say to hell with them. anyone who knows us and knows our story knows of the journey we've taken to get to this point.

basically, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

now moving on :)

symptom time!

the number 1 culprit this week?

NAUSEA!

UGH!!!

i though maybe, just maybe i had escaped this wretched wench. but alas, here we are hand in hand. it pretty much just lingers throughout the whole day. as long as i stay constantly eating i'm in the clear - with just a slight lingering of the nausea. if i don't then it's nausea on the brink of throwing up. i haven't yet actually throwin up, but i have felt obnoxiously close to it. what's worse though is that food is unappealing to me. if you know me at all you know J and i LOVE food. we would travel the world and eat at different places if we could. but right now i can't stand anything! i never have a taste for anything and nothing ever sounds good. i pretty well just have to force myself to eat at least every 2 hours. and on top of that, when i do eat it's never enough to make me feel satisfied.  it's like i pretty much stay hungry.

BUT

as much as i detest being nauseated 24/7 i am also embracing it. i am thankful for it. you may not be able to tell when you talk to me on a daily basis (i'm the worse sick person EVER) but i really am. it just affirms to me that stuff is working right. little rainbow is doing work and working hard to make sure he/she meets us in real life one day. it keeps me hopeful and happy all the while keeping me grumpy. :)

i'm still tired. and exhausted. all i want to do is sleep. and ever since the nausea started the exhaustion has gotten worse. i try to rest as often as i can. and of course take it easy. but sometimes it's not possible when i work a full time job and am in nursing school. BUT, it's NOTHING i can't handle :) and every bump along the way is completely worth it.

still thirsty.

boobs still hurt.

headaches have definitely gotten better. so thankful for that for sure.

ultimately i am just overjoyed and thrilled. i hate to sound like i'm 'complaining.' i am really just ready to fully enjoy being pregnant.. it's just a wee bit hard to do when you feel like poo all the time. but i know it's temporary. and just to think i'm already 7 weeks! i'm already halfway done with the first trimester. it's amazing really.

i'm still incredibly baffled each and every day. i'm finally starting to 'feel' pregnant. the nausea has definietly encouraged that feeling :) but mostly i feel like i am finally accepting that this is truly happening. after everything we've gone through. everything we've conquered. everything we've survived. and we still get a happy chapter out of it.

it's been quite the humbling experience so far. i miss my girl each and every day. but i find comfort in knowing they already know each other.

6 Week Bumperoo | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

Ahhhhhh.... I still can't believe i am posting these updates. it's been a dream. and sometimes an incredibly far-fetched dream. but it's real. i am constantly reminding myself everyday that this is really happening. i don't know if i'll ever get used to this.

it's amazing though really.

today j and i were talking at lunch. i told him i can't wait to meet him. yup... we're calling Rainbow a 'him.' we've 'known' since before we ever got pregnant we were going to have a boy next. we'll have to wait and find out but we're pretty certain. hehe...

before i get into all the deets of this past week here's the 6 week Bumperoo shot :)

I feel like i look so much more 'pregnant' then i really am in all actuality. i know alot of that is bloat and food haha. it kinda scares me.. i'm already 'showing' this much now and i'm barely halfway through the FIRST trimester!! i didn't start showing this much with Savanna until i was like 20 week!!!

let me see if i can find my 6 week pic with Savanna.




                           
Ok so this is all i could find.. don't feel like getting my lazy pregnant ass off the recliner. :) i'm 10 weeks in this pic above and i'm still not as 'big' as i am now

:/

so i just keep telling myself it's because you show quicker with the second. it tends to make me feel a wee bit better.

in terms of how i'm feeling.. not too bad actually.

the bloat has eased up for the most part BUT does sneak it's way in. i'm sure it's a certain something i'm eating that's causing it but i'm not paying enough attention to notice what exactly it is.

the thirst still stole the show this past week! all i CRAVED was water!!! so that's all i pretty much drank. and of course because i drank the worlds amount in water i peed the worlds amount in water.

i'm starting to wake up in the middle of the night to pee.. blegh. i like my sleep. i hate peeing. it's quite inconvenient let me just say that.

boobs -- yup still hurt. and. they feel like freakin boulders. (sorry if you didn't want to really know that but you must know there will be talks of things such as this on a pregnancy blog hehe) ps at least im not talking of lady bits and things ;)

swelling... WTF?!?! already???? i am angry at this symptom. haha. but really it's irritating. it's more intermittent that constant. i wake up and my hands and feet  feel like human snausages (yes i meant sNausage). by mid morning to afternoon the swelling goes down. not sure why i'm already retaining water. but it sucks. for reals! i can still wear my wedding ring, BUT there was a day where it was a wee bit uncomfortable.

still not feeling sick (thank goodness). i know i'm not out of the woods yet. but keeping my fingers crossed.

i'm ALWAYS hungry. i can definitely tell when i need to eat. it's like my stomach starts talking to me and anyone near by. pretty well i'm just constantly snacking. and of course trying to keep some healthy options.

PREGNANCY BRAIN!!!! its the worst! i am forgetting WHOLE CONVERSATIONS! who does that??? me that's who. i may as well be in a vegetative state. (i feel like i've said that before?) i mean, if you know me at all you know that i am a little off the wall at times BUT it's getting slightly out of hand now.

EXHAUSTION. i am so incredibly tired and un motivated to do anything! remember what i said about peeing? it's exhausting! just the act of walking to the bathroom and going through the motions. cleaning my kitchen? yea doesn't happen. you should see the mounds of laundry that need to be done. it's either spend my energy on homework or cleaning.. i have to chose homework. hah. i take naps as often as i can. and go to sleep as early as possible. 

as far as clothes? pants don't fit anymore. i did the rubber band trick this week for church. went and bought a belly band today and some more yoga pants. i need more comfort in my life right now. :) 

emotionally i'm a roller coaster. i have days that i feel extra cry-ee. and others that i don't. most of the time i'm a wee bit snippy and sarcastic (but not in a dry funny kinda way) mostly towards J. him thinks it funny to poke fun at the pregnant chick he knocked up. me thinks i'd like to punch him in the nose :)

i am still coming to grips with the fact that i get to be an earthly mom again. it still takes my breath away and makes my heart go pitter patter. i already love Rainbow Sprout so much. i still feel an empty tugless hole.. but somehow the hole doesn't seem quite so deep and treacherous. it seems more bearable. and it comforts me think that our sweet Savanna has already met and molded their baby brother or sister. so they're not strangers. they're already best friends.

that makes me smile lots :)

5 Week Bumperoo | Pregnant with our Rainbow Sprout

Well here it is!! my first bumperoo!!! also to be known as my weekly pregnancy update.

it's still so incredibly strange that i'm making this post right now.. still so surreal.

i asked j last night if it seemed real to him yet.. nope he says.. i agree i say. to think we've worked so incredibly hard these last 2.5 years-- in our grief journey, our marriage journey, our personal journeys, and our infertility journey. whew! but i will have to say that getting that BFP (big fat positive) makes every bump and bruise so dang worth it!

so let's just get right to it shall we??

i am 'technically' 5 weeks and 3 days as of today. this is all going off of my lmp (last menstrual period) (don't worry you'll catch on to the baby-makin jargon eventually ;) ) i plugged the numbers into pregnology.com and that's what i got!

in terms of how i'm feeling.. well i don't feel pregnant haha. mostly just frumpy and fat right now. as it is i am about 30 lbs overweight so that doesn't help with the confidence at all! but it is what it is right?!

symptoms?

tired all the time! i sleep all the time! if you know me at all you know i'm not a nap taker. well.. i am now officially a nap taker. the longer the better! the house is falling behind because i'd rather sleep then wash the dishes. :) 

no real morning sickness it's more like evening sickness and if-i-wait-too-long-to-eat-sickness. no throwing up just nauseated. like annoyingly nauseated.

THIRSTY!!!! all.the.time! i wake up thirsty. i go to bed thirsty. i'm thirsty while i'm chugging down gobs of water!

the pee monster! yup, he's got a hold of me.. i'm sure it's because i'm drinking my weight in water that i'm peeing all the time, but it definitely doesn't seem to take long for my bladder to recognize their is urination to be done.

sore ta-tas. that is all about that.

having some mild cramping which i know is totally normal, but can't help to freak a wee bit when it happens. it has eased up quite a bit this last week, so that i am greatful for. just another reasurance all is working properly :)

smells... i'm like a bloodhound. you can't hide that sneaker fart from me! 

bloat. bloat. bloat. this has GOT to be my #1 symptom right now! it's so incredibly uncomfortable i want to deflate it with a pin.

all in all.. it seems weird but i welcome these things. as uncomfortable and cranky, and irritable, and gross i may feel.. i'm totally ok with it! (well except for today when J was helping me take my bumperoo pics and i made him re-take them 100 times because i didn't like the way i looked.. but meh minor details)

i'm just grateful and feel just so incredibly blessed to be able to experience this journey once again. i had honestly began to reach a point where i really wasn't sure it was going to happen. i was pretty well ready to give up on motherhood. so i'd say it came at the right time. and i know i keep saying it over and over but even as i type this i'm still in complete and utter shock and disbelief.

i still can't believe this is our life. it's weird.

in terms of doctors appts, we went to my primary last thursday (2 days after we too the HPT {home pregnancy test}) and got blood work done so i could get my referral to the obgyn. The blood work came back POSITIVE! even though we knew it still was so reasuring to get that affirmation from the doctor as well. after receiveing the results they made my appt and sent over the referral.

we will go to our first prenatal visit November 7!!! I will be roughly 9 weeks 4 days! so here's to hoping for a heart beat.

next topic.. clothing/weigh/size

clothes don't fit. unless they have an elastic band ha! i know they say that you show much faster with your second but sheesh! like i said ^ there i know the extra poundage im danglin around is not helpful at all. i've gained 2 lbs so far since i last weighed myself. so i'm gonna say that that weight was obtained in the last month or so.

no cravings as of yet.

no food aversions.

emotionally i'm coping.. there are so many emotions that i can't quite make them all out yet. they all just seem to run together. i will say it does feel nice to see a commercial of a baby or to see a pregnant woman walking across the street and not feel extreme jealousy followed by guilt. it's refreshing.

heres a few more belly shots for ya :)

here is the 4 weeker (pretty much when we found out)

Just Trust

I can't believe I'm making this post... It doesn't seem real...

tears

frustration

anger

and loss

but in His timing, it happens

it really does

if you trust in His plan

miracles can happen

even when you reach a point that you think it won't

it's just when you think that maybe you should just give up on your hope and ream

that maybe you should release the thought of having a certain life

God surprises you

and teaches you

that your life is planned

and all you have to do is relinquish the control

so i did..... i let go of the control

after 2.5 years and a failed IUI attempt

all on our own and His time....

Rainbow BeanSprout is due to join our world June 2014 and we couldn't be happier!!

Look for bumpdates to come!!!!

Thanks so much to everyone who has continued to follow on our journey and support us through every step of the way.

Monday Mealings (Series part 1)

so remember this post from last week or so? well here i go.. diving headfirst into this scary, hard, treacherous, emotional road. this side of my world leaves me very vulnerable to the world. i am incredibly sensitive about my weight and just the way i look.

as i've said before i think it's completely 'normal' to feel some sense of uncomfortableness with the image we see looking back at us from the mirror. am i right or am i right?

so i have decided to dive head first and not look back. all this knowing there are bumps and turns, ditches and valleys, highs and lows along the way.

i am starting 2 different accountability programs with myself. i have found through numerous and numerous, oh and NUMEROUS weight loss attempts seeing the results just aren't enough for me. weird right?? you'd think seeing the pounds being shaved off, the pants fitting better, the tummy not pudging so much, the lack of the hip swag-and-forth-to-get-your-too-small-pants-over-your-ever-growing-ass-dance --- but they don't. because it never fails, i get bored, i get cravings and i ultimately give in.

so the first accountability i am doing is with my sweet friend and dietican SM. to say she's amazing would be kind.. her ideas are inevitably brilliant yet so simple (it's like that DIY project you see on pinterest and think DUH why didn't i think of that) yup those kinds of moments.

she's motivating, and encouraging and i never feel like i'm bothering her. :) she's made me a great workout routine and has been coaching me through some of the 'negative' self talk.

she rocks.

2nd accountability program??? YOU'RE READING IT!!! ;) (insert round of applause here)

i am going to make myself accountable to you my sweet readers :) it here, every monday that i will post the daily dealings of the week prior. and i will share IT ALL.

as you know (if you have followed me for any length of time) i'm not one to sugar coat things. i get down to business and speak it how it evolves in my mind. and so.. i will share all things weight loss.

here's how the process will go..

-- i will share weekly weigh-in & measurement results along with pounds/inches lost. (and in the off-chance i gain poundage back, i too will share that)
     --eventually i will share progression pics.. not quite to that point yet

-- my meal plan for the week 
      -- this week i will share both since this is the first of the series (i have to play catch up)

--  photos of the weeks meals from the week prior (follow me on IG to get up to date photos )
      -- if there is a recipe you would like done, just ask and you shall receive :)

-- tips & tricks
     -- both the SUCCESSFUL ones and the NOT so successful ones - remember what worked for us may not work for you and vice versa

-- and last but not least, struggles that i had, cheating i did, and any other ups and downs experienced.

i think we all watch these reality shows (biggest loser for example) and see these amazing weight loss stories, and while we definitely see thier trials and tribulations, we also see the celebs who pop out a baby one day and are sportin their string bikinis in a size neg 3 the next day and we wonder... and so we try quick fixes. i want to show you i'm just like you. i'm an everyday person with everyday problems trying to deal with everyday life.

and so begins... Monday Mealings

Stats:

Last week (8/19)
* Weight: 162.6 lbs
* Abdomen: 32 inches
* Upper Arm: 12 inches
* Thigh: 23.5 inches

This week (8/26)
* Weight: 160.8 lbs
* Abdomen: 31 inches
* Upper Arm: 12 inches
* Thigh: 22.5

Total Loss
* Weight: -1.8 lbs
* Abdomen: -1 inch
* Upper Arm: 0
*Thigh: -1 inch

Last weeks meal plan:

 For the longest we always meal planned on Sunday and then went grocery shopping for the week. as our schedules changed and we both became increasingly more busy it just didn't work out for us that way. so what ended up happening? we didn't meal plan + not grocery shopping = eating out EVERY.SINGLE.DAY... and a hefty price to pay i might add. after talking to SM she suggested to shop during the week. (duh!!!! light bulb!!) so we looked at my schedule and decided i would meal plan on sundays and shop on mondays! it was perfect. J and i could still have a good day together on sunday (since this is really our ONLY day together it seems anymore) and i can get in and get out and have some 'me' time at the store. the meal plan below outlines starting on tuesday just because that's houw it ended up working out last night. but that's the beauty of a meal plan.. you do it whenever it suits your schedule. but the trick??? DO A MEAL PLAN!!!!

i've also listed the date and my work schedule in the ( ). just so i know if i need to plan something quick when i work a 3rd (430am - 800pm) just gives me a good visual

 Here is this weeks meal plan:

here you'll notice several different things. first i don't have a 'snacks' column and i only have 5 days worth of meals. 'planning' snacks was kind of unneccasary. now if we had school-age kids in the house maybe a different story, but for it just being J and I we just like to grab the quickest and easiest snack.. it may not neccessarily be what's on the menu. i know i'll always have extra fruit, cheese sticks, granola bars, almonds, 100 cal packs, etc. so we just grab those.

as for the lack of a full week's worth of planning.. we have some good friends (Savanna's GodParents :) ) coming into town on Sunday evening, and so we're doing a plan with them :) don't worry i'll still share it :) 

I'll explain how i meal plan in a later post if you'd like. just let me know if this is something you'd like to see :)

Meals from last week:

Disclaimer: I don't have a pic from each and every meal, and i DID fall off the bandwagon a couple times.. but here's a good idea :)

 This is a whole day's worth of meals a 'food journal' so to speak

B: granola bar & banana
S1: cheese stick & 1 oz almonds
L: Tuna sandwich with spring mix & tomato with a kiwi and carrot sticks with ranch for side
S2: granola bar
D: shrimp stir fry

this was for breakfast one day: just a ww (whole wheat) tortilla with almond butter and sliced bananas - i wrapped in foil and put in the fridge (would be a delicious dessert also)

SNACK TIME! almonds and grapes - a delicous mixture :)

for this the night before we had turkey burgers. 4 came in a pack of pre-formed patties. we each had a burger for dinner leaving 2 leftover. we each brought one for lunch but without the bread. in the back there is some ketchup to dip in, and since i didn't have the bread i did splurge on some chips :) and i completed the meal with an apple

 tips & tricks both helpful and failed

SM had the awesome idea of pre-making our salads for the week. you basically make the 'base' and just add your protein to make a complete salad. here's how i prepped it.

we found a large tupperware and used a spring mix and bag of baby spinach and dumped it in the tupperware. 

Here it is in the tupperwar

we then picked out our veggies and chopped them all up. we used mushrooms, broccoli, cucumbers & shredded carrots

chopped and poured. i didn't really 'mix' it up, we just kinda grabbed and put it in our individual tupperwares for work and ended up getting a little of everything.

slapped the lid on and threw it in the fridge.

 in theory this is a perfect set up. you grab a little salad and then grab a different type of protein and dressing and you're good to go. i definitely love salads.. BUT i found this tip unsuccessful for our household. we ended up just wasting more then was necessary. i wish this worked for us but it just didn't perhaps if we did it in a smaller portion it may. but in terms of doing salad everyday for lunches a definite bust. but maybe it will work for you??? let me know if you try it and love it!! i know SM does!!! :)

my other tip & trick (brought to me courtesy of SM of course)

pack my lunch the night before! (once again DUH)

i am infamous for waiting until the morning (thats 4 in the morning) to pack my lunch. OR i just say eff it! and end up eating at the burrito shop down the street for breakfast and then mcdonalds for lunch. why thank-you 5000 calories for adding another ass cheek :/

so i clean the kitchen IMMEDIATELY after eating and all the while i also pack our lunches. but the key is to do it right away. like as soon as you swallow that last bite, get off your lazy ass, quit moaning and groaning and JUST DO IT!!! :) but seriously i would sit and sit and sit after i was done eating and so i would (maybe) drop my plate off in the sink before bed therefore not leaving time to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen nor the energy to pack my lunch. there's just something that feels pleasant and fresh about coming home to a clean kitchen.

and now let me just share a few ups and downs. i have a hard time with self control. my portion control has been non-existent and my lack of motivation is overwhelmingly overtaking my body. i try to justify why it's ok that i've downed that burger or why it's ok that i just practically licked my bowl of ice cream clean. but at the end of the day i end up kicking myself in the ass because i know it really wasn't worth it. i mean, in the moment it was kick ass. my taste buds thrived and my stomach did the happy dance. but that extra dimple on the back of my legs??? yea he's happy too because he found a new home on my ass! me? not so happy in the long run.

i want to reach my goals because yes i do want to look hot in a bathing suit, i don't want to be mortified by how puffy my face looks in pics, or how grotesque my thighs feel rubbing together in a dress but ultimately i just want to be healthy. i want to live a good and healthy life for myself, for J, and for my future children. i want to give them all the best chance possible to spend the most time with me in a good condition.

while i know this post is incredibly long-winded, if you made it all the way through i thank-you and bless you! :) the future postings of this series won't be nearly as long as i had some explainin to do :) next week we'll get down to business :)

next week i'll share what workouts i've been doing too :)

happy trails!!! xoxo

The Never Ending Weight Loss Journey

by show of virtual hands... how many can you relate to this??

i think forever and ever, as far as i can remember (post-high school) i have always been on this journey. i can really only remember a single time in all my 27 years that i was pleasantly pleased with my appearance and self-image... whilst i was PREGNANT!

that was over 3 years ago....

right before i found out i was pregnant i had actually started to get back down to weight and look i was pleased with. damn marriage does it to you everytime! you simply get too comfortable and eat out entirely too much. i believe Justin and i both packed on a few pounds those first couple years of marriage.

then we decided it was time to make a change.. he had to get hard core PT at work and i just didn't want to be huge once i finally got pregnant (in case i've confused you i'm speaking about before i got pregnant with Savanna but after we got married ;)  )

so Justin and I decided to do p90x. we followed the diet and the workout to a T. Justin stopped the workouts after about 2 wks becuase like i said ^ there... he had to workout for work.

but i kept going. i did it for about 6 weeks and then stopped.

because i found out i was pregnant ;)

6 inches and 15 pounds less here's me..

this was also the day we found out we were pregnant. gah.. looking at this picture depresses me.

i only gained 27 lbs in my pregnancy .

dropped 10 of it after i popped her out.

lost the other 17 while breastfeeding..

and then at 8 weeks new, my sweet girl decided she didn't like the boob anymore and just stopped.

completely.

in retrospect, i probably could have pushed through and we'd have made it to my first 6 month mini goal BUT we were getting ready to move across the country, i was highly stressed, about to leave my family and friends and a home i had created for the last 13 years. leaving that to a place of unknown.

anyway, that's another blog.

moral of the story.. i quit breastfeeding -- but kept eating like i was breastfeeding.

and so began the journey of the weight GAIN.

in the last 3 years or so since that day i made the decision to cease the nursing, my body has undergone some dramatic changes. the picture you see up above is a mere figment of my imagination. i am now only a mere 3 lbs away from the weight i was when i was pregnant with Savanna.

difference is?

there's no bun cookin in the oven.. unless you count the gobs of carbs i devoured from the mexican food potluck of course ;)

since gaining the weight after the birth and post breastfeeding i have tried every diet imaginable.

hsg -- AWFUL

south beach -- expensive

paleo -- tiring

low carb -- starving!

low cal -- blegh

basically.. i've done a little of this and a little of that only lasting the most 1 month (the paleo). otherwise i've thrown in the towel, given up, and binged at the first fast food joint i saw.

clearly i am unhappy in my appearance.

the other night we went out with some friends.. i had to settle on some skinny jeans with a STRETCH waist band bc NOTHING else fit.. especially not the cute shorts.. not that i wanted to sport my hail damaged legs or anything.

so now.. i am deciding. it's time for change. i'm tired of constantly complaining but then going to the burrito shop down the street from my job and ordering their biggest breakfast burrito.

with us trying to get pregnant and me being at the weight i am at and leading the lifestyle  i am.. no good can come of it. my pregnancy with Savanna was so incredibly smooth and i know ALOT of that is owed to the fact i was healthy and worked out daily. i am fearful of what a 2nd pregnancy will do to my body with the condition i've left it in at this point.

i need to get back to that place.

i need to find motivation again.

so today I had a meeting with my very sweet dietician friend S. she's amazing! she made me up a meal plan, gave me some AMAZING tips -- which i will share with you as i take you along with me on this journey ;)

the best thing tho?? she's keeping me accountable!! sure.. Justin can try to hold me accountable except for one problem.. he's my husband. instead of taking his advice or his bantering  encouragement lightheartedly instead i want to punch him in the face. (literally not metaphorically) don't worry -- no Justin's were injured in this process :).

AND she's going to work out with me.. i'm telling her my schedule and then i have to meet up with her and sh'es going to basically tell me what to do.

is it weird that i'm excited? as i sit here typing this i can feel the wrath of my gross protruding gut quiver at the fearfulness that is about to occur.

i have an addiction to food and an addiction to lazy.

and it's time to change that.

i'll take you on my little journey.. posting tips, tricks, meals and workouts as we go along. and maybe some progression photos..

what are some things you have done or have found challenging during your never ending weight loss journey?

Organized Life

i have never been a super 'tidy' person.

i think a lot because my dear sweet mom is slightly OCD :) (love ya mom!)

and so i just ended up rebelling.

for the longest time tidyness was of the LEAST importance to me.. then i got married.. and it still hung low on the totem pole of importance and priority. but then.. we had a baby.. and well

i still didn't care..

especially with a little one, no matter how hard we tried there was a constant inability to keep things together and keep things organized.

after we purchased our first home together after moving to texas, i was finally really ready to 'figure' out my style.

my design asthetic so to speak.

but then, courses changed.. and Savanna died after only living in our first purchased home for 4 months. so organization..style..decoration.. well it became the back burner.

but then.. about 1 year ago, i finally got back the urge and the desire to make our house a home. so corny i know. sure we had pictures here and there. photo albums stacked there, wedding paraphanelia sitting atop the bookshelf etc..

well needless to say, my rebellious days of being a non-cleaning, unorganized rebel ceased to exist.

i craved organization and cleanliness. order and proper places for things became such a craving. i'm still learning. and pinterest has most definitely made that transition exceptionally easier.. although i consider myself 'crafty' and 'creative' i still need a boost of inspiration every here and again.

so basically what i'm saying is that i finally started to hang pictures and artwork. i've scoured the internet and walked up and down the aisles of home goods stores and i am slowly beginning to realize what i like and don't like.

i have finally started to 'move in' to our home. it's no longer just a shell of walls windows and doors.

there is still MUCH room for improvement. but as i move along and figure it all out i'll share the steps along the way :)

******

here is a life planner by erin condren i just purchased!

i am so stinkin stoked to get this!!!

it will help me to organize blog posts (because i plan to become much more present in this space once again)

organized school, work and life.

here's a little video about it.. it's amazing. you should get one ;)



i'll share a review with y'all as soon as it comes in

********

here are some things you can expect to come as the blog gets its makeover!

- i haven't quite yet chosen a new name/design for the blog but it is my top priority! :) you're feedback has been amazing and i think i've narrowed it down to 3 now!! keem em' comin :)
- our infertility journey
      - pretty much my 'real life' friends are well aware of this journey.. i have finally reached a point that i feel ready to share it with the rest of you :)
- reviews! anything and everything!
- tutorials
- pinspiration: curious about something you've pinned? want to know if it works.. i'll try it out for ya and give a full disclaimer ;)
- diy projects (Savanna Nursery tour coming soon)
- organization
- recipes and meal plans
- fun fun fun!

- of course there will always be sprinkles of Savanna glistening throughout our daily stampings. she's our reason after all :)

last but not least... i'll still continue to blog just about life in general.. mostly i want you to know there's no limitations to this blog. some are diy'ers some are reviewers some are sewing just call me a lifestyle.

i'm so excited for the improvements to come!

and thanks for jumpin on and riding along :)

New Blog Name -- NEED YOUR HELP!!!

i'm calling on you to help me out!

i've never been a decisive person. just ask J he'll tell you.

trying to pick a place to eat.. WWII

trying to find something to wear = half my closet on the bedroom floor

it's true i'm sucky at making decision. (but i certainly am well aware of what i DONT want!)

so i've been racking my brain trying to find that perfect new title for the blog. something that just smooshes everything into one. but i can't decide.

i'm not quite sure if i've found 'the one' yet.. so i need your help!

i'll list the ones i have come up with, you tell me if you like one of those. OR if you think of something better :)

while i love and always will love Savanna's Wings.. i feel it's time to retire it an bring forward the evolved creations of our life from todays. thanks in advance for being awesome!

Titles so far:

Life with the Bogues (so simple i know)
Just Breathe
Our Thereafter
Silver Linings
So This Is Love

Ok folks, that's all i've got so far.. help a sister out! :)

Meeting Milestones

first i wanted to start off by saying that i am sooo ready to get back into writing again. i've had trouble getting back into the swing of things when it comes to this blog. (as i'm sure you've realized as the posts get more sporadic and then there's bursts of promise that i'm back). there have been several times that i sit here and i stare. and i stare. i click the keys. then delete. stare some more. until finally i click out of blogger and head over to fb or youtube.

so i had to dig deep. well not really. i just had to think. and if you know me at all, you know how intense my schedule is. i pretty much have to pencil thinking into my calendar events. along with pooping and showering. pitiful. i know. (ahhh the life of a nursing student).

so as i used my time wisely i began to ponder over why it was that i simply just couldn't blog anymore. even though the need and the desire to was still clearly present. and then it hit me. it was so clear and made so much sense. (i've even talked about it before duh!)

this is Savanna's space.

it always has been.

i have always reserved this place to be completely and truly vulnerable when it came to my grief and how i was feeling. or simply just the head space i was in at that particular time i decided to type.

as i always talk about my grief evolving, i've also talked typed a bit about this space evolving. but for some reason, i couldn't do it. i just couldn't. and so i came up with the thought of 'oh, well i'll just start a new blog.' sorry to say.. that's too much work.. remember how i said i have to schedule poop time?? yeah. carrying a secondary blog, or heck just starting over didn't seem a feasible option. it seemed more of a headache. so, again. i thought some more. (i had to push some things back in my schedule to alott for this extra time i needed).

and the impact of my realization pretty much slapped me in the face. and it rather crushed my heart a bit as the that moment came to me. it was so crystal clear, but so hurtful at the same time. so here it is.

although i know all things evolve. all things change. i was stuck in a bit of denial about this special little blog. i didn't want to truly admit what was happening to this space. so i would come on here, let y'all know i was still alive. let y'all know i was still hurting. still sad. still trying to survive. and then it would appease my guilt. but here's the thing. i would write more..

if.

i didn't always have to write about Savanna.

if.

i didn't always have to write about grief.

if...
*******
that stings. well hurts like a SOB to say that here. somehow anytime i type anything here it becomes real. becomes permaneant. becomes reality. i think because of how much time, energy and care i've put into this space. it's always been reserved for her.

but now.

i've reached an entirely different place in my journey.

acceptance.

even as i type the words i have tears running down my face. tears of sadness? yes. but also tears of hope. it's been 2 years 8 months 23 days since our girl became an angel.  and for the first time today i've made it permaneant. made it a reality. i've accepted the life that's been lost.

i have accepted that this IS my new life
i have accepted that i'll never know why
i have accepted that my daughter died.

i. have. accepted.

and to be honest.. it feels nice. it feels refreshing. it feels hopeful and uplifting.

don't skew my words though.. should you be on the outside looking in.. this may be strange. may sound strange. and you may not understand. but stop before you judge. the shoes i walk in are ones that follow a very treacherous road. so take heed before you 'imagine' yourself in them.

i will continue to miss her each and every day. and still. not a day goes by that i don't think of her. she is always forever will be my girl. my Bo. my Savanna. that will never NEVER change.

but i've changed. and i have been molded into this new found person. death changes you. whether you want it to or not. whether you think it does or not. whether you think you've stayed the same or not. you change. you are molded and created into an entirely new being. the bits of past are still remnant of who you are. but ultimately you become renewed.

i always thought that my membership to mommyhood had been stripped, suspended so to speak. i know today that it's not true. so many false truths we push into our minds and create such dark and dreary circumstances for ourselves. the devil himself encourages these very easy to stay in thoughts.

but after so much work. so much trial and error. many many many tears. break downs. panic attacks. yelling fits. uncontrollable cries. fights. i have found the light of acceptance. and i am grateful.

so.

with that being said. where does that leave sweet Savanna's Wings?

well it will change.

so much of my issue with this space is that i just didn't feel the need to write about Savanna as much as used to. Most things were repeated. i had skipped and hopped from one grief stage to the other that i just felt like i was on a repeated loop. and so it didn't mean as much so i just stopped. i hated feeling like a broken record. it wasn't helpful.

but as my heart began to continue its healing, i realized there was more i wanted to share with the world. there was more i wanted to share with y'all.

the struggles with infertility.

trying to conceive after an infant loss.

DIY projects.

marriage trials and tribulations.

trips and vacations.

laughter and happiness.

hope and light.

but until i made this change in my heart and until i made it ok to change this space within myself i knew it wouldn't happen.

but now.

now it's ok.

so as i do more research, the face of the blog will be changing. Savanna's Wings will be filed to the places of my heart filled with memories of her. you will still be able to come to this place to find me here. i haven't quite figured out the finer details.. i am still on the hunt for a blog designer :) i know i could probably conquer this myself BUT remember what i said about scheduling ;)

so come on in. grab some coffee and your most fave blanket. join me on this next journey of our lives. cross the road hand in hand with me while my little ladybug sprinkles her love and light, happiness and hope all along the way.

A Letter to my Sacred Space

Well hey there.. my sacred little space.. it's been awhile. almost 4 months actually. i feel like we're strangers. do you? i remember coming to you everyday over 2 years ago. i craved your blank canvas to spill my every thought onto. my days and weeks didn't feel complete unless i imprinted my every last thought onto the blinding white screen. pressing the 'publish' button became so incredibly cathartic and therapeutic. i found a new love with you you know. a love to write that i never ever knew even existed. and actually up until that december day when i typed my first words across the screen.. i actually hated writing. i always only associated writing with essays and short answers to questions from teachers. and than i wrote my first post and then my second and then my third.. and then before i knew it the words, the feelings, the thoughts, my every move and tiptoe became real and alive. as the words danced across the screen emitting from the little blinking cursor i found myself healing form the loss of Savanna ever so slowly. a healing grew out of this very very sacred space with you... a healing i never knew i would ever come to. a healing that didn't ever seem possible.

my days have been incredibly tough as of late. i've been in a rut of sorts and am having a hard time finding my way to the top for air. 2 years ago i would have wrote to you about it. shared it with you. but for some reason... i've engulfed the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions within myself. i've gone back to my old ways of burying the files deep within the rusty cabinets of my past. i'm not really sure why. i know you have always been here. have been patiently waiting my return. perhaps i've been frightened to truly admit that i'm not ok.

i'm not ok.

and i haven't been.

my heart's hurting. literally. not metaphorically. it hurts. why is it i run? it's frustrating you know.. that this constant heartache stabbing has never gone away. in nearly 2.5 years since my sweet little baby girls life whispered off into the heavens.. i'm still not used to it. in fact.. i think it's gotten harder. or perhaps i haven't dealt with it the way i thought? no i think it's harder. growing up and moving forward without her is harder. watching the seasons pass and never know what she'll look or sound like is getting harder. milestones.. birthdays.. holidays.. all are getting harder. it's as if im on a grief loop re-run. i can't escape the oval track no matter how hard i try to run off course i'm always dragged back to the same path. the grief just continues to chase me down.. sometimes i'm ahead.. sometimes i'm behind.

hmmm...

i'm not sure what to do. you always know what to do little space. i never know where the words will take me but as i start to pitter away at the keys of my laptop the words always just pour so easily from my fingertips. it's as if you know what i need before i ever do. my subconsious connects before my presently knowing conciousness does.

i miss you sacred space.

but i can't seem to find the courage to come back to you indefintely.

i've fought with myself, felt guilty. trying to find the time to tell you all the things i need to tell you. i'm ready though.. to open back up to you.. i think.

it's time. i can't stay hidden anymore. i promise not to let so much time lapse.. things too easily get bottled up when i run from the screen instead of to it.

i hope you understand sacred space, that i'm not running from you.. it's the truths you seem to cause me to admit to that seem to have caused me to stay away.

i'm ready for change. i'm ready to hurt less... again. i was at a good place at one point.. and now i'm in a dungeon of pure poo!

i know you can't fix me.. i'm not fixable.. but you can certainly lend a mending space.

thank you sacred space for never judging and always being there to receive my most vulnerable moments with open arms.

i'll write you more. i need to. i promise.

Your writer,
Tabatha

Pround Moment

As lots of you know, i started doing photography on the side about a year ago. i had no idea what it would turn into. it has blossomed into something beautiful and inspiring and has allowed me a sense of escape and closeness to Savanna.

And now, it is starting to reach new heights. clientele is beginning to pick up and i'll be photographing not 1 but 2 weddings in March!! I am so incredibly excited and can't wait to to see how far this journey takes me!

as my business has begun to grow i felt i needed something to expand on  my business. i guess really a way that people would take me seriously. to some i may seem like a girl who got a really nice camera for christmas from her her really awesome husband and just started taking pictures. well.. that is how it started i guess. but after that first newborn session i did as a favor to J's cousin.. something happened within me.

something emerged and sprouted from the base of my being. i felt like i was closest to me as i had been in a long time. i was experiencing and traveling that creative highway i have always been so hungry for. and at the same time i was creating special moments and memories for family's of their loved ones to cherish for always.

and so, while i started out as that girl who just picked up the camera.. i've grown. or at least started to. i started doing tons of research. i've sought out online workshops, read books, participated in online forums and groups. i started to expand my knowledge.

i knew this was something that i wanted to continue doing for always. and so i began to invest time and money into this escapade.. this journey of hope and happiness.

with that, i needed people to start taking me seriously. i still do. it's been a little challenging making the transition from part time picture taker to photogorapher and business owner.

i'm still learning. continuously learning. i crave the need to get better, to be better.

so i've slowly started to take steps. i'm turning my craft room catch all hole into my office. (slowly but surely) i'm getting organized and getting a file system put into place.

it finally donned on me that i had to take my business seriously as a business and than others would start to do the same. it's an onging work in progress but i am so excited and thrilled that i tripped over this opportunity that was thrown in my path.

another step i took was i invested into my very own website! it was a defining moment for myself. some may think it's silly or trivial. but to me it made the moment concrete. getting that website made the legacy i'm trying to leave in honor of Savanna real.

http://www.becauseofherphotography.com

take a peek into my world of photography and freeze framing moments :)

Coolest moment of the day

Was when my instructor tucked her hair behind her ear to reveal the cutest blingy ladybug earrings...

Sweet girl was most definitely with me today. She knew how nervous I was on my first hospital clinical day of the semester.

Thanks baby girl.. For the little nudge of encouragement.

I needed that.

I really did.

A Week in Review

I've survived the week. at least i think i did. it was the first week back to school, first week trying to find a new routine... it was a total epic fail but it definitely drained the life and energy right out from under me.

I managed to keep the house somewhat clean.. we've I've started to use a 'family planner/organizer' type of thing to help me keep track of all the millions of things that need to be tended to around the house. it's a work in progress but it seems to be working. i got the idea from (you guessed it) pinterest. Gah, i don't know where my life was before pinterest.

Quite frequently i think how handy it would have been with little S still running around. her third birthday is coming and i catch myself looking at all of the different party ideas. such fun that would be. to plan a birthday party.

hopefully soon, i'll get to do that. hopefully soon...

but moving forward..

looking back on this week i don't have much to really say. school is defnintely going to be a doozy for sure. i can understand now why they only make you take 1 class this semester.. it ='s the 6 i took last semester! but.. i know there will be new experiences and great things to see and learn. i'm excited. i'm a semester closer to achieving some form of success in my life.

i have finally taken pictures of the furniture we are trying to sell in the guest room. that money will be used to purchase the paint and the beadboard/wainscoating for savanna's room. after making the step of just deciding to break down her room was a major step for both of us. now actually getting the gumption to go through with it seems a whole other task on its own.

thanks to a great MIL, she had a FABULOUS idea that she so willingily shared with us on her last escapade to our lovely abode. Rather then breaking down the crib and allowing it to take up attic space, or using the dresser and changing table as a 'space saver' in the garage, why not re-use it? but not for future baby b. (which was the original plan, but the more i thought about it the more i knew i didn't want to do that) the crib is one of those 5-in-1 type of deals. since we have a guest room that we use well never (unless family is visiting) we're going to convert her crib into the full size and move it into that room as well as the dresser. and the changing table i will convert into a nightstand.

i was overjoyed and ecstatic at the mere idea that i wouldn't have to allow Savanna's furniture to gather dust and mites up in the attic. her memory and things could continue to be preserved and in a very pragmatic sort of way. i'll take pictures and of course will take you all along for the ride. i now just need an ingenius plan for all of her clothing. i thought about making a blanket with all the very special items (we already have a quilt that we had framed) BUT how do chose 'special' items... they're ALL special.. so i'll just tackle that another day.

for now, i'm just thrilled to have a way to keep her furniture intact and working condition yet at the same time i'm able to lick the salted wounds of breaking down her room. maybe it will somehow be easier? maybe not. won't know until i tackle it head first.

well, that's all i got for now. here's some photots i've taken throughout the week... enjoy :)

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We've started the Paleo diet (going on 4 weeks strong!) Here's a peek at some yumminess we've devoured! :)

And here's just a few looks at what I did this week... the top pic is of some brownies we made (from pinterest) I'll post the recipe and what i did differently if you'd like :)

Our Thereafter...

after a great deal of thought. a lot of praying. a lot of questioning. reading your comments/opinions. i have decided. i have decided to evolve this space.

on december 14, 2010 i wrote this post. it was the first of many. the start of a journey. the beginning to a treacherous and bumpy, windy and jagged road. the origin of where all things became solidified that my life, our lives, were forever changed. on december 14, 2010 i began to tell the world about my loss, my heart break, my plethora of emotions, the darkness... i proceeded to bare open my heart and soul to the world wide web. i allowed my most weakest and vulnerable of times to be displayed for friends, family, and strangers to take hold of.

and now... over 2 years from this very first post, i make this one.

i've often talked about the ever-changing, the continuously revolving doors of grief. the journey that we travel as baby loss parents is one that is unknown. it is contradictory to what the human life should ever have to experience. it is the ultimate taboo to the human life. i've talked about how much i have changed. how my naiveness has been stripped. how my very being was torn to jagged pieces left in the road to become a prey of nature.

and now as i look over these last two years i've spent on this space. as i peer at the many posts, the months of posts, the weeks of words. i realize that not only have i changed, not only has my grief shifted, but so has this space. it took many of you and your kind comments and words of encouragement that allowed me to realize this.

i think a part of me has been afraid to evolve this space into something else, something more. i felt guilt. guilt that by encouraging a change i would be forgetting where my story truly started. my daughter's life and death do not entirely define me, but they are an intricate and precise piece to who i have become.

each step and breath that is made, each calculated move, each thought clouding my mind, is always tangled up into Savanna. into her life and her death.

as many of you made such valid points, both on chaning the blog and getting a new blog.. i realized that it would be ok to re-align this space. i'm not leaving Savanna behind, our memories of her, our road of grief, or the hard work i've accomplished at this point. rather, i'm taking her along for the ride.

i have evolved. i have changed. i am different. and so is this space.

i hope you'll join me on this ride as it ventures down into unchartered territories. Savanna has so much dictation over our lives I just know there can only be great things ahead.

While Savanna's Wings will always be held near to my heart and I will never forget what that space provided me, it is time to change the face of the space as it is now what need. Savanna's wings will be put to rest, and 'Our Thereafter' will be born.

Savanna will forever and always be entangled into my everyday life. she is and always will be a permaneant part of my very inner being.

so join me on this journey as i share another side of our lives. come along as i continue to grow and grieve, and nurture this space as i just know it is continuously blossoming into something beautiful....

My sweet girl,

I am almost in tears right now. I'm writing you this letter to tell you of all the ways I love you. To tell you that there are many changes happening in the near and far future. As I change this space into something more, just know you will forever and always be a part of it. You are forever the star of the show :) I am still in constant awe that your daddy and I were blessed and chosen to be your parents. thank you for choosing us. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect match. You were made for us as we were made for you.

Just know that with the many changes continuously happening, it all still because of your very existence that we do things in this life. It is for your very memory that we will continue to live each day knowing that we will see you once again.


I didn't really have an agenda when I started writing you, I just knew I had to. Something tugged at my heart and I felt the need to make sure to write you.

I guess, I just want you to know I love you. That although changes may happen, you're never forgotten. That while your daddy and I may be packing your things up and breaking down your room, your sweet and innocent presence will forever remain in that room. That parts of you are in both of us forever. I want you to know you are my reason, you are my because. I love you Bo. More and more everyday.

sending you all my love and big hugs to heaven. momma.

I'm still alive!

Or at least staying afloat! the holidays have just surpassed it was quite the whirlwind of adventures. So many things have happened since the last time i wrote (October!) I don't think there's enough internet space to catch everyone up.

I guess I could start by telling you about our holidays. There isn't much to tell really. It was another time of year we went with and without. Moving into the third year without Savanna has clearly already proven to me that it never gets easier. Just those all very hard days don't situate themselves all in a row. Rather, they sporadically separate themselves out for you trip upon them like an IED in a desert.

I did manage to reach a breaking point in my grief, at least I think so. The many days of and weeks of therapy seemed to have possibly paid off. For awhile I just felt like going to see Dr. D had turn into a complain and whoa is me session. I had reached that stage of anger. A stage of grief I thought I had climbed over and conquered. But as much as people say you can always go back, you don't ever think you will. Before, when the anger had succomb me, it was just a general angst I would feel. It took the littlest things to cause me to tear out on a rampage, normally J was always the casuality.

But this recent outward aggression and rage was much deeper. For the first time since Savanna had died, I was angry with God. And honestly I'm sure I had been for quite some time. I never wanted to admit it though. So many people had continuously told me how strong I was, and how well I was doing.. it seemed to ultimately hurt me. I felt like I had an expectation to meet. This 'strong' baby loss momma persona's shoes I had to fill. The expectation set by myself and myself only of course. And so I lied. I said all the things I knew sounded healthy and positive. I claimed to have gotten through my days on the strength of the Lord. Stated that all this hope and faith I had in all things. While the whole meanwhile, on the inside, I was curling up into myself. My skin constantly felt wrong. I never felt like I didn't fit right where I was. And in one instant, it snapped. I snapped.

I no longer understood nor cared for His reasons. I resented people who became pregnant or were pregnant. I resented children who were still alive. I hated God. I hated that he took Savanna. And I was enraged at Savanna. Enraged that she would chose to be with God over me. I admitted out loud I resented those that said, you're so strong-she's in a better place - or my favorite yet 'you'll always be a mom.' My instant reaction to that one... SCREW YOU! it's easy for you to say that, you get to go home tonight and tuck your sweet babe into bed tonight. You get to read them a story and get them ready for school.. but me? i have the 'honor' of going to a cemetery. a cold dreary depressing cemetery and drive up a road and around a corner to see my girl. except it's not my girl that sits there atop a field of grass and dirt and rock and weeds. it's a stone. a marble stone with a picture and dates and a name. that's what i get to do.

my anger had seemed to rock me to my core. it took all of my energy, all of my faith, all of my hope. it was stripped from every muscle and fiber of my very being. i was cold and naked in the pouring rain. (metaphorically of course) it took a couple sessions and a very significant church attendance (which is whole other post in its own) that i finally began to steer away from the anger. rather than burying the anger in its own plot in the cemetery of my mind i was able to set it free. sure, i still feel the anger boiling it's darkness to the surface. but in most cases, i can deal with and move on.

my hope and faith have been instilled. still shaky at times, still questionable. but really and truly that anger is something i needed to feel. it is something i needed to say out loud. ever since that week of misery pure anger, i have truly begun to feel as if i have started to heal.

in the weeks following i knew i was ready to finally break down the crib in Savanna's room. in the weeks following i knew it was time to make the room into the future baby B's nursery not just Savanna's room. pieces of her will always remain in that room, but it's time to move forward. and i am ok with that now.

the 'renovation' has not started but once it does i promise to take you on that journey. it is such a large part of this journey. and i know so many of you can relate.

notation: due to several sweet friends reaching out to me I thought it wise to just say that I am ok :) the anger that i'm speaking of in the above few paragraphs transpired months ago. I wanted to give y'all an update and this is where my typing fingers led me. sorry if i've scared any of y'all but i'm ok :) 

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in other news.. i am thinking of starting another blog.. a more bloggy blog. i've thought about possibly changing the face of this blog, keeping it about our grief of course but about so much more. there are so many parts of our lives that have come out of this journey of grief. so many becomings and accomplishments, tasks, and to-do's that have honestly transpired from our grief. although it's not always apparent how Savanna and our grief correlates, i know our everyday life is forever entangled.

i'm not sure how i feel about changing the face of this blog though. so i need your help. your opinions. i write for me and to pereserve the memories i have. but also to help others. if i choose to go a more 'our everyday life' type of blog.. would you like to see a new one unfold? or re-route the path of this one? your opinion and thoughts mean a great deal to me. :)

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while you ponder this decision here are a few pics from the last few months.

I won the halloween costume contest at work

 A date night!

Happy Halloween!

Some wreaths I made!

J & Dad

Our tree

Savanna's tree

Our Savanna ornament

White Christmas!!!!

Good job J!